Students establish a club for those who are against clubs

Founded by a group of students who refuse to share any more event countdowns on Facebook, the Anti-Club Club aims to rid the campus of what they termed as “an epidemic of student organisations”.

“You can’t even walk five feet without being asked to scan a QR code,” whines new member Bulu Hassan. “I once said that I liked breathing fresh air and almost ended up recruited into the Oxygen Enthusiasts’ Society.”

“The idea was born during this semester’s Club Fair,” informs Founding Member and Temporary President Girin Ali. “While passing through, noticing the stalls for the ‘Debate Club’, the ‘Debate Club for Introverts’, the ‘Debate Club for People Who Hate Debate’, and a ‘Debate Club for People Who Didn’t Make the Other Debate Clubs’, I realised something must be done.”

“Clubs used to stand for something,” adds another member, gesturing vaguely. “Now, it has become a member meeting once a semester to post pictures. That’s not a club; that’s a Facebook album with a logo.”

These concerns were discussed during a meeting, which the members confirmed was “a lucky coincidence where everyone was in the same room at the same time”. The club had issued a zero-tolerance, anti-merch policy, which lasted approximately 12 hours before someone suggested hoodies for awareness-raising purposes. The current merch line-up includes tote bags, wristbands, and a limited-edition jacket that reads “I Joined a Club to End Clubs” on the back.

Critics have been quick to point out the hypocrisy. “This is literally just another club,” accuses Law Club President Belak Bhuiyan. The Anti-Club Club has addressed this issue in their newly released frequently asked questions document, Section 3.2, labelled “Ironic Necessity”.

Adjusting the “clubs stink” badge pinned to his collar, Girin clarifies, “Those clubs exist to supposedly do things. We exist to stop things from existing.”

Meanwhile, some faculty members are ecstatic at this turn of events. “I am hoping this club will manage to reduce the number of emails I receive asking me to be a moderator for something I neither understand nor care about, and I support it wholeheartedly,” admits one lecturer, requesting anonymity to avoid backlash.

Vice-President of External Affairs (a role the club insists is purely symbolic), Marun Islam says, “Most clubs are formed because someone wants to add ‘Founder’ to their LinkedIn profile. So, we’re basically protecting future employers from being scammed.”

According to the organisers, the club plans to host workshops to teach students how not to start clubs and conduct weekly Google Meet sessions titled “You can just have friends” and “Hobbies don’t need a constitution”.

They are demanding that the university authority temporarily hold off on approving new clubs until they can give satisfactory answers to these questions: Will this club survive past midterms? Could the job be done with a group chat? Do you really need this, or are you just lonely right now?

When asked how long the Anti-Club Club intends to exist, members exchange looks, and Girin opines, “Ideally, not long. Our end goal is to render ourselves obsolete.”

Currently, the Anti-Club Club is considering forming a subcommittee to address the interests of students who are hoping to start an Anti-Anti-Club Club.

An allergic-to-small-talk engineering student. Contact her at: tasfiahliakat007@gmail.com