Ask the Shout Troll

Dear Shout Troll,
I have become obsessed with my pets. I can't stop posting their pictures online and I expect everyone to gush over how beautiful they are. I have begun to shun social interactions to spend days curled in under a blanket with my pets. Some very mean people have started making fun of me. Who wouldn't find two lovely dung-green toads adorable? Tell me how to change their minds.
-- Proud Owner

Dear Unhealthy Animal Lover,
Before I advise you regarding your hatred for animal haters, have you ever considered your relationship with the said animals? Do they reciprocate in the same manner as you treat them? Are they completely fine with spending time with you under a blanket? What if the two dung-green toads want to enjoy some quality time together instead of a human butting into their “business?” Before you point fingers at others, maybe you should take it out of your toads' business.

Dear Shout Troll,
I am a big fan of your column. I wait for it every week. If it doesn't come out I get very angry and think of mobbing the Shout office. I think I may have fallen in love with the Shout Troll. So I must know, are you in real life or are you just a fantasy? Is there any way I can track you down? Do you like chocolates? What kind, Mimi of Just Jelly?
-- CrazyFan
Crazy Fan, 
I live in Trolshaven, Norway. I'm not into long distance relationships, sorry. 

Dear Shout Troll,
I am just 19 and my parents want to marry me off. I have no problem with it, because then I will get out of studying earlier than all the other losers in my class. But everyone I know is saying that I will miss out on life if I get married now. Any advice on how to enjoy life in these three months before my wedding?
-- A Suitable Boy
Mr. Boy,
You have to understand that the final 3 months of freedom you get before your wedding is not for you to enjoy, it's a peaceful interim period between slavery and more slavery much like our country's politics. Please reconsider your stance thoroughly in this time before shackling yourself to a woman who you are unsure of -- again, much like politics.