Ask the SHOUT Troll

Hello,
My girlfriend is an amazing cook. Whenever I go to see her she insists on cooking me the most delicious things: pasta, fried chicken, you name it. She’s even taken up baking and I get to try her brownies and they’re amazing too. Where’s the problem? Well, I’m a bit of a chubster and had started a diet before I met her. All the good that did me is being undone by this culinary temptress and I can’t refuse her food because it’d break her heart. What can I do?’
– Man’s Heart Isn’t In His Stomach

At this point, you should stop worrying about your diet and start worrying about your death. Your girlfriend is definitely trying to kill you. She’s trying to give you diabetes, cholesterol and high blood pressure to ensure your early demise. She is probably tired of being with you, and is thinking of a way of getting rid of you. So leave her fast. Or, just maybe, you could stop being so greedy all the time.
Sup Shout Troll,
I have an extremely weird fried whom I love… as a friend. He does these weird things on Facebook that make everyone cringe but it’s nearly impossible to hate him because he’s so nice at times. I think he might be a serial killer or something. How do I find out if he’s a serial killer?
With love,
UrLover
From the sound of your friend’s exceedingly shady activities, he certainly seems like a serial killer. I’m sorry, but serial killers only show consideration towards the people they love as more than friends. Cue: Hannibal Lecter. I assume your friend hasn’t killed you yet. That can only mean one thing — he is in love with you. Now use that to your advantage, use him to keep your enemies in check.

Dear Shout Troll,
Fate seems to have devised a devilish plan to detach my dear one and I. Whenever I’m free, he’s not; and by the time I am, he’s the world’s busiest person. When we do get to catch up, before long the doting turns into an irritable pile-up of fights. Seems like we are slowly slipping into a cold coma of distance. How can this fish get back into the water, oh Enlightened one?
– Bella Cullen
You know what they say, that absence makes the heart grow fonder. Maybe in his absence you have grown a little too fond of him. If on catching sight of the guy you smother him with your terribly verbose sweet-nothings, my sympathy only goes to him. On another note, stop reading so much “Twilight”.

Hello Mr. Troll,
I would like to inform you that I have successfully calculated the date of the Apocalypse using the Papaloizou–Pringle Instability Theory. The world is going to end on 17th September 2014, due to build-up of hexaethyl tetraphosphate from duckling farts. Any last words?
– Oracle
I too have done my calculations using the Papaloozoo-Pringles Instability Theory, and come to the conclusion that we have all just died at your unabashed show of stupidity.