Constructing Hate Mail

The quality of content in SHOUT has improved since it started about half a year ago. The writers in its employ have also gained experience. While this is better for the readers, the same cannot be said for the writers. We screw up less frequently, which means less hate mail. Hate mail is fun to read; we take none of it seriously and laugh at the childish compositions attempting to describe non-existing problems and state unreasonable demands. That's the case for most of them anyway. The rest of the complaints are written by unemployed English majors channelling their anger appropriately. Those make us feel worse, but then we remember that we aren't unemployed and cheer up again.
It isn't any fun reading an incoherent ramble, so I ask all dissenters to brush up on your verbal abuse before dishing it out. That's what I'm here to help you with, hopefully. There are a number of things you must never leave out when constructing hate mail:
  * Address it to someone (writer usually).
  * Mention the article of which you speak.
  * Say what you thought of it.
  * What did you find to be the problem with the article.
  * What you think of the publication as a whole (magazine, website, blog).
  * What you think of the writer.
  * What fate you hope the writer meets.
  * Why you are qualified to criticise them.
  * End it nicely with a physical threat.
  * Sign it with your name.

Be sure to strew brief sentences emphasising your hatred throughout the letter. This set was created with SHOUT specifically in mind. This is just a guideline and this needn't apply only to a publication. Adjust this a little bit and you can send hate mail to Activision (I knew a guy who would forward all his spam to Activision's customer care) in no time! Here are two examples:

Dear Limp Biscuit fan,
You suck and I am writing to make sure you are aware of this. I read your music reviews and found it not heterosexual how you have thus far failed to mention my favourite band's new, underrated album which my best friend and I think is brilliant and often head bang to together in his room. Your reviews usually contain too much detail on the chemistry of the music and little trivia concerning the album instead of where I can search for lyrics to their songs or download them without crashing my computer. I think that if you could play an instrument in a band, you would understand music better than you do as an unqualified writer. As for you, SHOUT, I think you should just stop pretending to be that similar magazine which was there before you and please stop responding to my complaints with pictures of *****. I am the biggest metal fan in Bangladesh and the vocalist in the best band on my street. If I ever see you on the street, I will probably ask you to join my band and then beg that you interview us for SHOUT.
Yours hatefully,
DarkDeathDevilBlackDragon666

Dear not-Rising Stars,
I haven't read any of your issues since you started out because you weren't popular enough. I just don't think it's 'hot' and it would put me in a bad light if I were to try out something new. I assume most of your write-ups are of inferior quality than those printed in Rising Stars based on what the horoscope in Lifestyle says. Your writers are probably all liberal, feminist women and men who can't grow a proper beard and need a girlfriend. You are just a second-rate Rising Stars since the number of likes on Facebook is the only way to measure quality and I read no other publication to draw a comparison with, except for the horoscopes on Lifestyle, of course. Every time I see someone on the street reading your magazine, I mutter under my breath how you're just a third-rate Rising Stars and hope they didn't hear me.

Yours hatefully,
RS & Horoscope Lover