How to be Happy (Maybe)

Qayyum Chowdhury, Quest for Self, mixed media on paper, 2012.

I bet you read the title of this article and automatically formed an expectation, right?  That, dear reader was a mistake. Expectations, having them, even knowing about them, that is what trips us up.  The fact is a mere mortal like me cannot have the answer to any major question in the neighbourhood of how to be happy. I'm just spit balling spirituality here.  But since we're at it I have been pondering something: is friendship obligation? Intimacy—true intimacy, messy, visceral, sometimes bloody, always rewarding, is obligation.  It's not easy.  It's becoming more and more apparent to me that in order to keep intimacy strong and healthy, one has to lower or even eliminate all expectation.  It's so odd and counterintuitive.  If friendship and intimacy connote obligation and responsibility how does one then remove expectation from that mix? I suppose by solidifying the most important intimate relationship in the world, the one you have with yourself, and by creating and embracing space, in every aspect of your life—in your home, in your work, in your heart and in your relationships.  I wish there was an easy fix, though, an expectorant for expectation.  One phlegmy, rattling cough and it's all loosened up and you can breathe into the space you have just created.  Feel your lungs, your soul expanding.  Breathe in hope, breathe out expectation.  But wait, isn't hope just that?
I think the only people one might get away with not giving to as much as they get or placing expectations on are one's parents.  I know my parents give me more than I give them, and are far more tolerant of my foibles than I am of theirs.  
I always used to think that my father was hyper critical of me, but now when I look back on things, it feels like he overlooked a lot more than he criticized.  Frankly, I don't want to live me with sometimes, I cannot imagine how irritating I was when I was under his charge.  My mother raised me on her own a great deal as my father was always traveling for work and I was a hellion so her patience and fortitude are doubly admirable.  I realized recently that I could never pay them back for all that they have done for me.  It's just one of those things.  They raised me, clothed me, fed me, coddled me, disciplined me, bought things for me, held me when I was heartbroken and felt the pain as acutely as I did.  And when I triumphed at something or reached a necessary milestone, I am pretty sure they were more proud of me than I was of myself.  How does one re-pay that? I guess the only way is by being happy and living to the best of my ability, whatever that is.  I noticed too that they don't demand very much of me at all and that their expectations (possibly for practical reasons) of me are rarely voiced or imposed.

Qayyum Chowdhury, Sunset 1, watercolour, 2006.

There are family members I would never have picked as friends if given a choice. I am sure they feel the same way about me.  I noticed a phenomenon in my family where friends take precedence over blood.  This is not an unusual thing and it is, in many cases wholly justifiable.  My family is dysfunctional –whose isn't? but we genuinely care for one another and so to see some members prefer friends to family and hold them in higher regard used to be off putting.  Especially when the friends in question are not particularly wonderful people. I think the problem lay in thefact I was expecting that since I am family they their loyalty would be with me.  This is a fallacy and the expectation is what hurt me.  
I have friends who I consider to be family, who know parts of my life and inner self that most of my family members do not.  In times of crisis, I would be just as inclined to turn to them as I would a relative—if not more.  But the moment I place expectation on them I am actually jeopardizing our relationship. This has happened many times.  Because the truth is humans are fluid beings.  I mean we are 90 percent water anyways.  And to assume someone will remain steadfast at all times and immutable is naïve. It's not in our nature. We are certain of the tides, and yet they pull back the ocean to reveal new things every day; detritus, debris from an earthquake thousands of miles away, dead things, beautiful things, things that confound us. The human spirit is no different.  
I do keep reading that lowering one's expectations in their relationships is the key to happiness and peace of mind.  I am seeing that to be very true.  However, I still maintain that close friendship is obligation, and duty. Loyalty and fidelity are required, but I should not expect and assume it is forthcoming and those who consider me a pal should not expect that of me either.  Also, expecting that friendships will not ebb and flow is unrealistic.  It appears, the moment that happens we are setting ourselves up for some sort of inevitable fall.  The positive spin to this would be that when someone does do something or behaves in a way that is loving and gracious and selfless just be grateful and loving back and never ever expect it to happen again.  Chances are it will, of course, but the expectation should be jettisoned at once.  In that way it will be as if you are experiencing something brilliant and new for the first time, every time.  And you actually might avoid disappointment.  Forever.  I'm trying to imagine that.