How to Creatively Oversell Yourself

Whether it's for your college application or your first job, skills count just as much as your grades. Despite what everyone will say about grade point averages and certificates, skills are what set you apart from people who can actually do the job and people who only know how to do the job.
Unfortunately, most of us lack actual skills barring keyboard shortcuts on how to like something on Facebook. So how do you spin your useless “skill set” into something that might land you a job or your dream college? You invent euphemisms.
Script Facilitator Savant (I can touch-type on Microsoft Word…sometimes)
There isn't a resume out there without Microsoft Office, most of the time just Microsoft Word, listed as a separate, note-worthy skill. Congratulations! You can press buttons on an input device successfully, which is in fact a valuable life skill, but so is breathing. You're not going to put that on your resume are you? So instead of just being another statistic, you could spruce “Can use Microsoft Word” up with something that sounds much more impressive, like “Script Facilitator Savant”. Who wouldn't want to hire a savant?
Virtual Globetrotter (I can use the internet to look at cat pictures)
Apparently there are still people out there who think using the internet is something worth bragging about. Maybe it is if you're older than 50 (hi dad). All jokes aside, it truly is a skill to be able to browse and explore the far reaches of the internet properly. But if you say you can use the internet, all your potential employer is going to think is that you know your Bad Luck Brian memes from Good Guy Greg memes. Which you do…I hope.
Assist Leader (I play nice with others when you force me to)
One of the worst parts about having to work is working with other people. And turns out working with people not only takes effort but is a skill employers look for in applicants. Something about team work and synergy or some other hogwash. Everyone can say they work well with others. Who's going to say they like being the anti-social person that loathes working with a team?..............Just me? Okay.
At least Assist Leader reads off the paper better than “Works well in teams”. Plus, no one will ever look to you for actual work. You just need to let them borrow a pen or something once in a while.
Obscure Information Hunter (I don't know how to do that but I can totally Google it and find out)
It truly is a wonder how anyone got any work done before the advent of Google. Imagine how much team people had to waste going through the books or calling people for information. Googling can save your job and your life, but anyone can google something. Now “Obscure Information Hunter” sounds like the kind of person that thinks about a strategic string of keywords and then always clicks on the “Feeling Lucky” option. It probably almost never works out the way they want it to, but it shows guts. Employers want guts.
Director of Still-Shot Movies (Can use Powerpoint to make cheap presentations from stock material)
People never forget to mention their Powerpoint prowess on resumes, even though the last time they probably actually used it was to entertain themselves when their internet connection was out. But Powerpoint presentations are actually useful in the work place. Sure you can say you can make passable slide show clips on your out-dated software, but where's the fun in that? Director sounds much more impressive.  Who knows? Maybe they'll let you direct their next commercial next time. And you'll be out of a job, but at least you can replace “Director of Still Shot Movies” with “Director of Failed TVC”.