How to Name Your Pets

I've had a lot of pets so you'd be right to consider me the authority on naming them. Of course, I'm not, but it still feels nice getting all that respect. Still, somebody has to do this. So, without further ado, you may start unquestioningly absorbing my misguided knowledge.

Not a human
This is the first rule of naming animals. Don't give your pet a human name. Obnoxious rich people give their pets human names, spend a lot of money on these animals and ignore their real children for whom they probably have a nickname which would be better suited for an animal. Giving pets human names is also the first step to a world run by super-intelligent animals. Any instance from here on out where I suggest a human name for your pet is an exception to the rule.

Random name generators
Try one of those random name generators that were all the rage on Facebook a few years ago like 'What is your stage name?', 'What is your pirate name?', etc. The names that result from these things will never be used because they don't meet human standards. Since filthy animals don't have standards, you can use these names for them and save your brain the aneurysm it would have taken to think up a good name for a goldfish.
Smoky Divinity, the goldfish.
Named after person
You can name your pet after someone you dislike or simply enjoying poking fun at. Like one of your old bosses or teachers. You might even find yourself liking those people if you've got someone amicable at home with the same name.
Feroze, the rat.
Named after something
Name it after stuff it looks like or it reminds you of. You can use anything here. Hell, you can even call your lovebird 'Noun'. The less you think, the better a name you can come up with. Use a younger cousin or sibling to come up with name if it becomes too difficult for you. Labradors remind me of waffles.
Flappy Bird, the duck.
Numbers
Number them. This works well with rabbits because of all the babies they have. You can number them in batches. You can also number pets in the pair you buy them in. Or just roll a dice. That's how easy it is.
Nine, the cat that looks like it has a Hitler moustache.
Named after character
Name it after a fictional character. It could be after a comic character like Swamp-Thing, Man-Thing or Hulk. Don't directly use the name of fictional dogs like Ace (Batman's Dog) or Krypto (Superman's Dog). That shows a significant lack of imagination on your part. You could also name it after characters from books or TV shows.
Sentry, the dog.
Can you not?
Just straight out don't name them. Dogs are an exception to this and need names. Monkeys need names too. Never let a monkey hear you calling it stupid. I've had over 40 pets (not counting the 15+ rabbit spawns). Out of all of those, I've only ever named two of them. One was named after a breakfast component and the other after a mass murderer (though I wouldn't know that for a few more years at least). Heck, I don't even know what species some of them were. I had this weird, and I mean really weird, turkey-thing. It scared me. It had eyes that could look into your soul. So if you care about animals as much as I do, then respect their wishes and don't bother naming them. Also don't forget to feed them. Turns out they die if you don't.