Kaun Banega Rashtrapati?

“And the fastest finger after three quick rounds is H.M. (His Majesty) Ki-je- shaad from among… pardon me, he is the only participating contestant, as the other nine opted out, out of respect. Many, many congratulations, Sir! For a person who can write poetry of your level, the questions we ask are but K.G. stuff…'
'K.G.? You mean Kazi Gafar? He is no more in the party,' mutters the political giant, as he glares at the presenter.
'Kindergarten, Sir… kindergarden', stutter s the presenter, himself.
His Majesty smiles from under his dyed hair.
The presenter rushes to embrace H.M. while the other non-contesting contestants and the Janata in attendance cheer like there was a better tomorrow. The gleeful contestants were: Go Lamb Kaade, Fourshaan Ki-je-shaad, Suhula Min Foul Adaar, Go Lamb Mow She, Ani Sool, Fee Rose, Shake Show Heed, Soulai Man, and Geeaud Din Paploo.
Ki-je-shaad: (humbly) 'I had been waiting for many years to come and see what sort of hot seat this was, as I had been on the hot seat of different connotations since 1981. But, you never called. Why? Is it because I am an autocrat? (Sniggers) Then my pretty, sorry very pretty assistant told me… where is she? Is she here? I am making her a presidium member after this show. Anyway, she told me I had to compete in this 'fastest fingers' first. So, I brought along some of the fastest fingers in the business, I am not bad myself. The new presidium member will tell you that. So, here I am.'
Presenter:'Thank you, Sir, thank you. Norm ally, at this point, I explain the rules of the game, but tonight it is different. There is no need to explain because, Sir, you so kindly made the rules. So, as you desired, we will now show our viewers in the studio and those at home a video that you made about yourself.'
The video shows the life of a soldier, a self-proclaimed political leader, a nation builder, a Romeo, a sportsman, a poet of borrowed talent, a peaceful quitter in the face of a popular movement, a jailed victim, a rejuvenated politician, and now an aspirant for presidency. Although the presentation misses out on him being a world-class shameless individual and a political contortionist that even his shadow fails to keep step with, Ki-je-shaad claps as the video ends, and the others again clap like indeed he was the next president.
P: 'Because Sir you were so special, and again will be soon, we have stopped our timer clock permanently for today's KBR. Sir, for becoming a 'voter' (this is a reality show), here is your first question on your screen now.

‘Q. Considering you are in power, after every how many years should the national elections be held?'
(Ki-je-shaad stiffens, curls his lower lip.)
'And your options are:
A.    4 years    B.    5 years
C.    6 Years    D.    Never

K: It should be D. but nowadays I hear a new word called 'democracy', so I am not sure…maybe B or C… audience poll.
P: You have made a wonderful choice.  Audience, your time has come, and very quickly. Get ready with your voting metres. Your ten seconds starts now.
(After 10 seconds)
K: At this age, I always want to go with the audience, more so with this audience since they all belong to my constituencies. So, it is B.
P: Sir, your answer need not be final, you can change it as many times as you want…
K:No, no… (Smiles in contentment) this is fully final.
P: Lock it, Sir.
K: Don't use that word, it reminds me of jail.
P:Apologies, Sir, we should not have been so insensitive. Computer jee,  please do lock… sorry, just tell us whether our audience is right or not. (Smiles) Sir, had you said D 25 years  ago, you would be dead right… sorry, surely right, but today the audience is absolutely right. Well played, Sir.
K shows the V sign.

P: Sir, you have become a voter, which means you can stand for national elections.
K:I like to  be fair after all these years… he..he.. and go through the democratic process… hee..hee
P: Now, for your next question, to which if you can answer correctly, Sir, I am sure you can, you will become a member of the parliament. 
K:Say MP. That is what everyone understands.
P: MP is for you to ask only, but our game requires you answer a question, and here it is. 

'Q. In how many MP seats should a person be allowed to contest?'
And your options are
A.    One    B.    Five
C.    64    D.    300

K:Personally, I feel I will do well in all the 300 seats, so it should be D. But, my fellow contestants, that is my entire party in other words, are always threatening to make Fourshaan party president, so to keep them in my party, I will sacrifice, but this is the last time… 
P: Full final
K:Yes, fully final. I think C would be good news for my fans in the 64 districts, but…
P: You may take another life line, Sir. 
K:Let me see….okay, lifeline.
P:Which one, Sir jee? Flip the question, phone a friend….
K:All my friends are in this studio. 
P:What about power paploo?
K:Paploo has no power. I have all the power.
P: What about 50-50?
K:I am trying to share power, and not even 50-50, but they are not agreeing… 
P:Sir, in the game, do you want to go for 50-50?
K:Okay.
P: Computer jee, please remove the two wrong answers.
A.    One    B.    Five
C.        D.    
K: OMG (Oh my Gorgeous!) this is really difficult, impossible with my status.
P: We know, Sir, but you have to pick one…
K: I have no option but to go for B.  
P: What a great answer! You are really playing like a pro.
K: I am a pro.
P: No doubt about that, Sir, and you are absolutely right, An d that makes you a member of the parliament… thukku! MP
K: He..he.. you learn quickly. They all do. Ki-je-shaad has become happy.
P:Sir, you are now playing to become a minister. Your question is on the screen.

'Q. Who is the longest serving non-royal ruler in the world?'
And your options are
A.    Robert Mugabe    B.    Paul Biya
C.    Hun Sen    D.    Omar al-Bashir

K: I told them in the 1990s so many times, please let me stay a few more years, and my name would have been among the options,  but they were so eager for democracy. I admire each one of the options.
P: Sir, you still have two lifelines, you can flip the question or phone a friend.
K: I told they are all here. And anyway they do not know the answer.
P: You could flip the question.
K:There are so many things I can think of flipping, and they are so much more gratifying, and you want me to flip a question, hah! No, I will gamble. I will take a chance. I will go for B.
P: Sir, you amaze us. You have become a minister. B is absolutely the right answer. Well played, Sir. But tell us Sir, how did you guess?
K: Well, I like weddings and things like that. So, I thought since Biya means marriage, let me go for Paul Biya. Ha! Hah! Ha!Now ask my presidium members if they knew the answer, they would say option number 5, Ki-je-shaad.
P: Sir, our final question of the evening and that will make you the president. Here it is on your screen now:

'Q. What is the one quality that a president should have?'
And your options are
A.    Honesty    B.    Piety
C.    Integrity    D.    Loyalty

K: I did not know you have to be like that to become a president. I am not feeling good about this. I have to go now. Where is that girl, the new presidium member?
(And then he walks out of the studio, leaving his party and his constituents shocked and shaken.)