MOVING OUT: THE REAL DEAL
Moving out of our parents' house and getting a place of our own while still unmarried is generally frowned upon in Bangladesh. While in other cultures this occurrence may be a natural course of action of one's life, it is widely considered an anomaly in the Bangladeshi scenario. Our culture is one of high family values and morals, and unity of the family is of utmost importance. The mindset of the masses, therefore, is that a person should not leave their family home unless they get married. And hence moving out of one's parents' home is thought of as distancing oneself from the family, although that may not be the prime reason behind doing so.
The decision of moving out and finding one's own place can be influenced by a lot of factors. Firstly, in a somewhat conservative country as ours, youngsters often find themselves in a lack of personal space, and crave independence and privacy, causing them to consider the prospect of renting a flat alone. In the same way, lifestyle preferences of a person may not match with that of their family as well, causing them to seek an outlet and live life on their own terms.
“I had a misunderstanding with my mother, so I took some time away from home,” informed Adiba Raisa, 23. “At first I stayed at hostels, took sub-lets at distant relatives' homes etc. Eventually I got my own place and then decided to not go back.”
On the other hand, there are many cases where Bangladeshi young adults who have grown up with their parents abroad had to come back to the motherland. I know several such people who came back home from the Middle East. At first they crash at a relative's home, but eventually most find a place for themselves.
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But here's the catch: once you go solo, it's difficult to go back into living with the family. Those who move out of the family home temporarily and live alone for a while specially face this issue. The same can be said about those who have lived alone abroad and have come back to a house full of relatives in Bangladesh. More often than never, they try to make their transition off the parents' house permanent and continue living alone.
“When I had to come back to Bangladesh from the UAE and started living alone, I enjoyed the freedom. I'd say I became more responsible in financial matters and very self sufficient,” said Maqsoud Al Mohsin, 27. “For me, living alone has been the greatest experience.”
There are certain perks of living on one's own that appeal to a rising number of youngsters; complete freedom being on the top of that list. When you're living alone, there's nobody you are answerable to for your actions. If you decide to come home late, or not at all for a night, there's nobody to notify, and no curfew time to be followed. These are common aspects that the average Bangladeshi youth are usually concerned about and have to abide by at the family house. All in all, living at one's own home with no chains attached is a liberating experience that one grows used to and the prospect of going back to the not-living-alone ways becomes unimaginable in most cases.
“Living alone is fun for most part. You can go out of the house any time you want, and friends can come over at any odd time,” was how Mohaiminul Islam Khan, 22, put it.
The flipside of the coin, however, isn't as pretty as the perks, and these are factors we often don't take into consideration while longing for a life outside the parents' four walls. Growing up in a protected bubble with the family, we usually tend to forget the security issues that come with living alone. The chores too are something that we don't think much about, since there's always somebody to take care of those in the family.
“There are lots of responsibilities which I didn't have to take care of while living with my parents; even as small as buying a hand wash! But now I have to be constantly aware of whether I have enough food in the fridge, utility bills, keeping the place clean and thousands of other things,” added Mohaiminul. “During illness I do miss my family a lot, especially my parents, who would take care of me if I lived with them. I miss those long meaningless conversations with my mom.”
Maqsoud felt similarly. “There certainly are problems. I feel homesick at times and I definitely miss the good food! But once you've decided to live alone, you've decided to take responsibility of the problems too, even though you might not have taken all the troubles into consideration.”
On the other hand, renting an apartment or flat is one tough task for single people -- men and women alike. Landlords are seldom willing to lease their apartments to young people, who are single, in fear of 'illegal' activities, 'socially unacceptable' behaviour and safety/trust issues. Even if there is no good reason for them to think so about a person without knowing him/her well, landlords are unwilling to take the risk and rent a flat to an unmarried person.
This brings me to the next point, nosy neighbours. “They have endless curiosity about why a girl lives alone and that gets on my nerves,” said a frustrated Adiba. And it doesn't only apply to ladies, as men have to face this inquisition too; the neighbours simply assume that there's a tragic or scandalous back-story to your decision to live alone in an apartment.
Oh, and the no curfew time point that I mentioned earlier becomes null for anybody living in a building where the main entrance requires a key that only the land(*cough* slum)lord has. In that case, you need to be home by the time THEY specify, or spend the night out.
Residing in an apartment by yourself is far different from dorms or hostels, or sharing an apartment with four others. While residing in dorms or with roomies is largely due to academic reasons and is subject to change over time, one should be able to lawfully lease a place so long as he/she is of legal age.
Now, deciding to move out of one's parents' home is not easy. What's even more difficult is breaking the news to the parents. Some parents may definitely be supportive; but for the most part, average parents may not understand the reasons behind one's decisions. Youngsters must be cautious as to not hurt the parents' emotions by blatantly dropping the news on them, but rather by explaining with great care and over time.
There are lots of factors that need to be considered while deciding whether or not to permanently move out of one's parents' house and make a home for oneself; only a handful of these have been discussed here. Living alone has many advantages and disadvantages. Discontinuing living with the family does not mean you don't love your family; rather, it's a step taken towards experiencing life at its rawest and becoming
more responsible. It is, however, important to ensure that you aren't hurting your close ones down this line.
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