Tangents
A Pastoral <i>Life? </i>
Why you need squirrel traps. Photo: Ihtisham Kabir
Many people dream about leaving the city for a pastoral life in the country. But what is it like in reality? Is it for you? The following list shows how priorities change when you opt for the farming life. 1. The Cow: This gentle animal plays a critical role in any farming setting and soon you will see it in a different light. Thoughts such as “ah, there is the best source for fertilizers...” or “yes, that pair can looks sturdy enough to plough my entire rice field” will enter your head when you see cows. 2. The Neighbour: Competition with the neighbour enters a new dimension in your new pastoral life. Claiming “my Mercedes is faster than yours” becomes meaningless. Instead, you look forward to the day when you can claim “my jackfruits are bigger than yours.” 3. The Slime: You learn to appreciate slimy things such as deep mud, slimy green water and decomposed cow-dung. Mud is needed for rice, and the slimy green in water is fish food, but rotten cow dung is best - for everything you grow. 4. The Family Shopping Expedition: You surprise your wife by taking her shopping to Aarong. You forget to mention that you were planning to check out hybrid mango saplings at the nursery across the street while she checks out the shoes. Uh-oh, doesn't Aarong sell those shoes she likes? 5. The Foreign Trip: Whenever you are in a foreign country, you start looking for unusual and beautiful trees. When you find one, you scour the ground for its seed so that you, too, can have this tree. 6. The Interview Candidate: Do you have a favourite question you ask a job candidate, such as “What do you want to achieve in the next three years?” It might need adjustment. Try asking this to test competence: “How do you make a cow turn right when ploughing a rice field? And left?” 7. The Macho Bragging: Do you like to brag about fast cars? Pretty women? Rare wines? Gambling windfalls in Las Vegas? It is time to switch. Your friends will be awestruck when you brag about all those near-lethal creatures that have bitten you. For maximum impact, be ready to show the scars left by the bites. 8. The Books: Remember the Picasso art book or the thriller about Jason Bourne? Those books become a hazy dream. Instead, your heart leaps at titles such as “How to Grow Strawberries in a Hot Climate” and “Composting for Maximum Benefit.” 9. The Gadgets: Leave the ipod and ipad in the city. Look forward to examining the features of your new favourites: isquirreltrap, ifishingpole, iricethresher, and icow. 10. The Role Model: Another writer, Thoreau, lived off the land for two years in the horrid climate of Massachusetts. Surely you can do better in a warmer climate. No? After several failed crops and unexpected disasters, you re-evaluate Thoreau. How did he pull it off? Either he had a lot of help or he faked it.
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