PUBLIC TOILET SURVIVAL GUIDE

Let's say that you're outside, far away from the comfort of your own home. All of a sudden your bladder stops working. In that sort of situation, nearby flora and fauna might not help and your only ticket to relief without spoiling your pants is the nearby public toilet. This is where an entire array of existential crisis kicks in – who am I? What am I to do in life? How do I survive? To put it plainly- urine big trouble. There is a famous saying about these toilets - those waiting outside are desperate to get in, and those inside are desperate to get out. You might get the job done, but it comes with a paycheck of becoming scarred for life. However, there are some small tips and tricks you can use in order to make your public toilet experience slightly less chaotic.

First of all, you have to know your environment. A public toilet will attempt to destroy all five of your senses at the same time- be absolutely prepared for what you see, smell or even touch. Since you might not have a hazmat suit to don, honing your mental filters is crucial here. Methods such as not breathing for a couple of minutes, squinting your eyes so that you can't see everything and ignoring what you step on are essential to practice.

After you have struggled to get the deed done, the copious amounts of tears running down your face at the time are not enough to wash away your sins. Previous to settling matters with your bladder, make sure you BYOB – bring your own bodna. Coming in contact with the shady-looking bodna is worse than releasing the Kraken onto your own hands, making a bottle of mineral water the best possible 15 taka you have spent in your entire life. The trick here is to quickly empty the water bottle onto your nether regions as well as your hands, and discarding it later… because I sure hope you aren't drinking from that.

For the sake of being cruel, let's say you did not manage to secure the squat toilet – or the urinals if you're a guy, and your bowels are taking the day off. Your only option is to make your way to the sitting toilet, if one even exists there to begin with. Remember that a public toilet seat is infested with biochemical weapons horrifying enough to turn you into a zombie. There are two ways you can conquer a toilet seat, depending on your mood, creativity and physical fitness. The first method is what professionals call a 'freeze squat.' Basically, you're in the middle of a squat, with your posterior few inches away from the toilet seat – praying fervently that you won't break your spine or your hip. If you failed in your dream of becoming an acrobat, this is your time to shine. The second method requires you to clean the toilet seat with a tissue. If you still feel that it's not enough – you can decorate your own emergency toilet seat cover with the entirety of the tissue packet. Investing some time in this sort of decoration is definitely miles better than being a part of the zombie apocalypse.

The final step is relatively simple and requires you to cry yourself to sleep in the shower after you come back home, and have a dream that we all share – cleaner public toilets.