How to Win Arguments -You've Already Lost

We all know that feeling. That moment when, after hours of toil, it dawns upon us "Oh snap…I think I'm wrong." Some of us take it gracefully, conceding defeat in an honourable fashion. Others among us don't like to lose. 

For those of us in the latter category, here are a few tips to ensure that you win when you've already lost, or, perhaps more accurately, avoid a seemingly inevitable defeat. With a little salt, pepper, and the proper application of spice, it's amazing how much you can disguise a bad curry.

Firstly, you have to be quick on your feet like Muhammad Ali; many a time he seemed to be on the receiving end of hammer blows, but to the educated observer he was tiring his opponent with well-timed body blocks. Channel your inner Cassius Clay, and shore up your defence. Identify the flaws in your argument and adjust it slightly to render your opposition impotent.

However, you may not have the time to make such delicate alterations. As such, you may need to make a distraction for yourself. You know how master debater Stallone of Sylvester causes an explosion in a building on the opposite side of where he intended to operate? A similar effect can be created by relentlessly attacking your opponent's arguments. Bombard him with so many questions that he cannot decide which one he wants to answer, and the result will be embarrassed and stupefied silence.

Furthermore, by keeping your opponent talking, it is likely he will either run out of things to say, as mentioned previously, or he will make a mistake. Like any true Machiavellian villain, you need to spot this opportunity and pounce on it. Even if the mistake has absolutely nothing to do with the debate at hand, it will make your opponent seem like a scrub that knows nothing.

Finally, you need to quit while you are ahead. Do not keep the debate going, lost in the blissful pleasure of toying with your prey. As we all know, the biggest mistake a villain can make is to monologue relentlessly, giving the hero time to recover. Go for the fatal blow and end it at a time when you appear high and mighty while he languishes at your feet.

If all else fails, you have one secret weapon. Try to bring your opponent's emotions into play. Don't overtly call him stupid or anything, that's just rude, but rather gently imply that he is stupid. Keep prodding at the ego until the argument devolves into childish, cartoonesque proportions. Once this has been accomplished, apply the devastating nuclear weapon that is Bugs Bunny's "Rabbit season, duck season" double-bluff juke punch. You'll be surprised at how often it actually works.