APOCALYPSE NOW

Recently there was a petition that had sought an order to ban broadcast of Indian TV channels in Bangladesh; made me wonder what would transpire if that ever really happened.  

We would have the next Great depression on our hands. And God knows, this “great depression” might even lead to another world war. The haunting hopelessness of not being able to watch those hideous soap-operas would transform our mothers and aunts and sisters into creatures of unspeakable horror. They will suck the happiness, the joy, the love in our lives, by substituting this real life as a one of them soap-operas.

This will most definitely occur. A bushy moustachioed scientist I talked to, said, “There's a very good probability that the sheer amount of loss that would be experienced by the victims would directly be equivalent to, via some obscure vectors I am drawing now, denial. Their inability to observe a mother-in-law humiliating her daughter-in-law to death for putting two cubes of sugar in her tea instead of one, and that daughter in law coming back from the dead 500 years later to take her revenge only to find the Shashuri not having aged a day and still nagging about that incident, would make our mothers attack this world, the real world, and replicate that sort of performance upon us.”

There is nothing we can do about it anymore. Your Tumblr-feminist sister who used to call you “misogynist” just for letting her do the dishes when it is SUPPOSED TO BE her turn, will be paralysed by the outcome and start calling you “Bhaiya Ji” and run around the house like a madwoman. She'll tie you with ropes in the name of brotherly-affections and act mortified when her boyfriend texts her. You'll be like, “why are you making that face?” and she'll be all, “Bhaiya Ji, please don't tell mother about this. I'm in love with him. I will die without him. By the way, he's a mechanic with a big heart and hairy chest.”

Your mom will nag on and on about how your father had worked his back off in a nine to five low salary job so that you will grow up to be “humans”, that when you were born you actually had been extra-terrestrials and the toy gun you played with as a child was a real laser beam. Remember the time you thought you heard voices? That was your reptilian alien godmother whispering cupcake recipes in your ears.

Your mother will start wearing all her jewellery day and night and incessantly pester you about how she doesn't have a single ornament because she used all the money for your education. To make you “human”, remember?
That's not even remotely all. Your girlfriend (assuming you have one) will time travel to your past when you didn't even know she existed and blackmail you into secretly marrying her on the run. “We can know each other's names later. We have a whole lifetime to know that.”

Your mother and thousand other relatives will get wind of this and hunt you down at the Kazi Office. The girlfriend's brothers who happen to be wrestlers will be all over you, but the “love of your love” will stop that and make a three day speech about how you two deserve to be together, and everyone will understand and clap and make lavish plans within ten minutes for a grand wedding, after which you all will live happily ever after…till eternity and beyond.

#Doommetalfeelingz indeed.