Halloween Party Etiquette

It's that time of the year again, when all the TV does is show you this weird holiday everyone 'round the world is celebrating but you can't because you're from a place where almost everyone is oblivious to it. Don't you hate yourself? Well, I think celebrations are for everyone no matter how weird or creepy they are. Go steal some pumpkins right now to prove my point.

Halloween parties seem cool when you see teenagers enjoy themselves at them. Believe me I've seen proof in all the teen shows I've watched on Disney: Halloween parties ARE cool. So let me tell you how to execute one without being thrown out of your house or getting killed by a zombie cheerleader, or both.

One plus point of a Halloween party is you get to cosplay even when there isn't a convention going on. This is good because conventions, if they happen, only occur 1-2 times a year in Dhaka and you like wearing your Superman undies 6 days a week.

So note this down: your invitation that will be typed in Chiller or any other creepy font you happen to find should be addressed to the person's body, NOT to the person. For example, if you want to send an invite to your friend Kathbiral, write:

“Dear Kathbiral's Body, you have been summoned to [insert your name]'s Black Sabbath. We will do weird rituals and sing to Weird Al Yankovic, and maybe even binge-watch 'Teletubbies'. Do come. And bring some extra speakers, you know how mine's bass suck.”

When the invite is finished, send it in. If you have only invited your cat, then pat her on the head and pray Master goes along with it.

Remember the red yucky juice kind of thing called Roohafza? Well, it's time to go to the market and get some of that. Pretend it's blood as you serve it to your guests.

As everyone's going to tell you they are wearing costumes, you should put one on too. Just don't wrap toilet paper over yourself and say you're a mummy, or wear a white cloth with holes in it and proclaim you are a ghost. These costumes are lame and clichéd. You know what's cool, though? Buy fifty or so sticks of lipstick then glue them all over your body with only your superman underwear on. You're Lipstick Man. You're awesome.

Halloween's all about pranks. You need to pull a big one, man. Your rep. is on the line. Try to do a scary one: like feigning to be a fortune teller and telling your friends they're gonna be putting on extra weight this year, that it doesn't get better, that their crush is going to come to the party cosplaying Pikachu.

Make sure you've got enough snacks and music because you're obviously a terrible host if you're listening to me, and people don't want to waste their time spending it with friends having fun when they can participate in meaningless arguments over who's the hotter brother in Vampire Dairies on social media.
Have fun at your “party”.