Perspectives
Words that hurt
I really love compliments. I love the positive energy and the love and the very biased nature of all my friends.
Two comments recently from two friends have really gotten to me.
One was a picture of me on my way to see Chicane in concert, and all dressed up for the occasion. My friend commented on the picture “'*chasra whistling and eve-teasing*â€. For those of you who do not know, 'eve-teasing' is a horrible term used to describe sexual harassment. Farah Mehreen Ahmed writes about the similar term 'Street Romeo'. “Street Romeo†imbues a playful, almost romantic accent to the harassers. As far as I know, Eve was tempted not teased and Romeo was a lover. Calling harassers street Romeos is like calling Oedipus a momma's boy.†(See Farah Mehreen Ahmad's brilliantly written article on this topic-she has explained it far better than I ever could-http://farahmehreen.wordpress.com/2011/07/04/loins/).
It should be pretty obvious to you why I found this comment offensive. In case you need me to break it down, here goes. I am completely unable to comprehend why sexual harassment and lewd whistling can be construed as a compliment. In my mind, what this says is 'You are a beautiful woman. You attract unwanted attention from strange men (lewd whistling). You will be sexually harassed because you look amazing.' To break it down even further, what this comment means is that sexual harassment and lewd whistling are somehow desirable, it is men appreciating that I look very nice.
Do you think I am over-sensitive? Are you of the camp who would say-take it as a compliment-it wasn't meant like that-what she meant was that you look so hot, she is lusting all over you? Well, to you I say this is not okay. Suggesting in any form or in any way that sexual harassment is desirable whether it is meant to be humorous or ironic or what have you --- is not okay.
It was my birthday the day before yesterday and a friend of mine told me how lovely I looked and how much she liked my outfit. She then said a beautiful girl like me must attract a lot of attention from men when I am out and about and on public transport. However, she said it as if it were meant to be a compliment, i.e., 'Oo everyone on the train must be all over you, you are so beautiful, you should be careful'.
Once again it should be obvious why I was so shocked that I am sitting down to write this article now. What my friend said to me was meant to be a compliment. Somehow unwanted attention from strangers is meant to mean that I am attractive. Somehow the fact that I am beautiful and 'You should be careful' is a compliment.
I have news for you, my friend. Yes, I do attract attention on buses and trains, in pubs, at university and at my shows. Some people are so kind and so positive and transfer their energy to me --- and to these people I say thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing your thoughts and making me a little less lonely, a little more connected, a little more smiley. However, I doubt you would tell me to be careful of these people.
Who do I have to be careful of? The perverts, the drunks, the criminals, the rapists, the stalkers? Sadly, I attract their attention too. Many a night I do not feel safe. I was sexually harassed by a cast member at the Paralympics. I complained to the authorities and they did nothing. That is a story for another article. But how do you think I feel when lewd men whistle at me on the tube and shout sexually explicit comments? Do you think I feel sexy and beautiful and full of myself? Do you think I feel positive energy? Do you think I think to myself 'I must be some sort of superior being, everyone on the tube is talking about having sex with me, this is great!'
Do you want to know how I feel? I feel scared. Shit scared. My heart beats in my chest as I replay the many horrific scenarios I imagine in my head.
Am I being clear enough? I think this might help me illustrate my story. My friend was being followed by a group of men out of the tube station and she was very scared. Do you know what one of the first things she did was? Take off her lipstick. (By the way I used to take off my lipstick and put on my hoody after an evening out too-I no longer do).
Why do you think she did this? I'll tell you why. Because if you are physically attractive, if you have made an effort, if you are naturally beautiful, if you have legs and eyes and if you don't --- you are asking for attention. If you have lipstick on you want horrible men to follow you in a group out of the tube. If you don't want this attention, don't go out-don't have legs-don't use lipstick-don't smile-don't exist.
This has to stop. Stop this culture of blame. Don't tell me I deserved it because I put on lipstick. Don't tell me to be careful because I am so beautiful.
Don't ever ever think you are paying me a compliment when you talk about how much harassment I face on a daily basis, simply by being me.
While we're on the topic --- if someone touches you or your friend inappropriately in a club, this is assault and sexual harassment. Raise hell and cry bloody murder. And to those people who think, 'Why is she making such a fuss and ruining our night?' to you I say I'd like to see how you feel if someone groped you/ your husband/wife and your so called friends did nothing about it or even acknowledge that someone did something horrible. And don't ever say 'That's why I didn't wear a short skirt to the club-it's dangerous.'
Like all the posters say, 'Don't tell me what to wear. Tell them not to rape'.
*This is for all my friends who love me. Keep telling me I'm gorgeous. I absolutely love it.*
PS: Everything I write applies to men and women equally. When I say men I mean humans. When I say women I mean humans. Sadly all are capable of harassment and victims of it.
*'Chasra' means lewd.
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