Straight Talk
Behind Closed Doors
"I’m sorry”, “I didn't mean to”, “it won't happen again”, “I love you”, “please forgive me”, these are words that victims of domestic abuse have heard over and over again. The words may also be accompanied by tears and a show of remorse. But in reality, emotional or physical abuse by a partner is never a one off incident. Once a precedent has been set in a relationship where there has been some form of abuse, it is more likely to recur than not. It is a topic that people tend to shy away from as they feel it is distasteful and a subject matter that is personal to the people involved. However, domestic abuse is an issue that we as a society need to be aware of and tackle head on regardless of which part of the socio economic strata we belong to or which part of the world we come from.
When we talk about domestic abuse, we initially think of physical abuse but it goes far beyond that; it can also be psychological and even economic. Physical abuse encompasses everything from slapping to beating, arm twisting, stabbing, strangling, burning, choking, kicking, threatening the victim with an object or weapon, and even murder. Psychological abuse includes behaviour that is intended to intimidate and persecute, and can take the form of threats of abandonment or physical abuse. In some cases husbands and wives keep strict tabs on their partner as to where they go and who they talk to or meet. The abuser can often use confinement to the home and threats to take away custody of the children as a form of control. It can include destruction of objects, isolation, verbal aggression and constant humiliation to instil a feeling of low self esteem and self worth. (UNICEF 2008) Economic abuse can include acts such as the refusal to contribute financially and provide funds to the victim thus making them fully dependent on their abuser, and at times the denial of food and basic needs. The basic desire be it a male abuser or female, seems to be to dominate and control.
Most recently in the UK, the media was flooded with the shocking photographs of the widely known celebrity chef, food writer and journalist Nigella Lawson (daughter of the former Chancellor of the Exchequer Nigel Lawson) and her also famous husband Charles Saatchi, (the multimillionaire advertising mogul and art collector) in what appeared to be an altercation.
The photographs showed a fearful and distraught Nigella with her husband grasping her throat with both his hands in what appeared to be in a chokehold. At one point he also held his hand over her mouth as if to silence her, more bizarrely there are photographs of him pinching her nose and peering up her nostrils. This was not an incident that took place within the confines of their home but in the outside seating area of a well known restaurant in London, in full public view. What was somewhat surprising is that no one actually intervened in the dispute but just looked on in dismay and horror. After the disturbing pictures had been published and a media storm broke out, Charles Saatchi stated that it had been nothing serious and that it had only been a “playful tiff” between him and his wife. If he can claim that choking his wife in public and bringing her to tears is a playful tiff then one can only speculate at what goes on behind closed doors.
Had it been a working class couple eating in a fast food joint, instead of two famous and wealthy individuals sitting in a upmarket restaurant, the incident would almost inevitably have been reported to the police and members of the public would have intervened. However, it would not have garnered the attention of the media in the same way, if at all. There is a misconception that domestic abuse is prevalent among the poorer sections of society. In fact it can happen to anyone anywhere. There will always be bullies and there will always be victims regardless of class, colour and race.
What has happened since the photographs have been published is a wide spread discussion as to the extent of domestic abuse that goes unchecked and unnoticed. According to the NHS, 'One woman in four (and one man in six) in the UK will be a victim of domestic violence during their lifetime...Two women a week are killed by a current or former male partner'. That in itself is a shocking statistic. We usually think of women as victims of domestic abuse but it is just as distressing for men especially as they may feel humiliated and emasculated by their partner's abuse. Also they may feel that they will not be believed if they claim they have been psychologically or emotionally abused by their wife. The most notable example being Abraham Lincoln who was on numerous occasions the victim of domestic abuse at the hands of his wife Mary.
Nigella Lawson has over the years been seen as a successful, confident woman who has made a name for herself and amassed a sizable fortune based on her TV shows and cook books. The recent events have suddenly made her into a woman who is vulnerable and insecure just like anyone else. Her initial reaction was to try and reconcile with her husband and it was only when the photos appeared in the papers did move out of her home and confront the issue at hand. As an observer it is easy for us to pass judgement and comment on what we feel to be a straight forward decision --- get out of the abusive relationship, leave your abuser. But in most cases, the situation is far less black and white.
According to Refuge, a UK national charity that helps victims of domestic abuse: The victim of domestic violence may be overwhelmed by fear; which can govern her every move – a fear of further violence, the unknown, her safety and the safety of her children. She may believe that she is at fault and that by changing her behaviour the abuse will stop. However, research shows that this is not the case. A victim may experience a conflict of emotions. She may love her partner, but hate the violence. She may live in hope that he will revert back to the person she thought he was. She may be dependent upon her partner or spouse, emotionally and financially. There is also the fact that she may experience feelings of shame, guilt and embarrassment at her situation and her inability to take control of her life. It may be humiliating for her in front of her family and friends and may try to hide it. In other words, victims of abuse sometimes feel there is no way out.
In many cases the victims of domestic abuse whether it is physical or emotional find themselves covering up for their partner and making excuses for them. “He's sorry”, “he didn't mean to”, “it won't happen again”, “he loves me”, “I forgive him”, are words that they tell themselves or their well wishers in the hope that something will change. In most cases it doesn't. Had the paparazzi not caught the physical abuse of Nigella on camera, she too like many other women in a similar, situation may have made excuses for her husband and pretended that it was just a “playful tiff”.
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