Reflections
Life with Father……
Photo: Ainon N.
I was in London not long ago and for the first time got the chance for sight-seeing, visiting friends and looking around at different shopping centres. One thing that attracted me and had me glued to it was the greeting cards section. I always enjoy giving and receiving cards as the words chosen by the giver says all that he/she wants to. This time, the main attraction was the 'Fathers' Day' cards, displayed at nearly all the shopping centres. Many countries celebrate it on the third Sunday of June.
I stood there and envied all those who were buying the cards. I thought they were so fortunate to be able to celebrate the occasion for honouring fathers, the paternal bonds, and the influence of fathers in every society. Until 30 June 1996, I was also among those fortunate ones. But now all I can do is read the cards and sigh in vain.
One particular card touched my soul and I bought it. . .just to keep with me. . . in fond remembrance of my dear father. The card [by an unknown author] said:
God took the strength of a mountain
The majesty of a tree
The warmth of a summer sun
The calm of a quiet sea
The generous soul of nature
The comforting arm of night
The wisdom of the ages
The power of the eagle's flight
The joy of a morning in spring
The faith of a mustard seed
The patience of eternity
The depth of a family need
Then God combined these qualities
When there was nothing more to add
He knew His masterpiece was complete
And so
He called it ... 'Dad'
'The card says it all'…..this card really did, said all about fathers…..particularly my father. There couldn't have been a more accurate description about my father than what the card contained.
On 30 June, I observed with a heavy heart the 17th anniversary of my father's death. However, I should not let it go unsaid that I have always felt his presence, spiritually, in every sphere of my life. With the passing of each year after he left us, my sense of gratitude towards him only grew stronger --- for the values that he has inculcated in me and which have kept me going, no matter how big a crisis came in my life to pose a threat for letting go of the values and principles. As a daughter, I find great personal satisfaction having adopted those traditional values and living them throughout my life. I always believe, there certainly cannot be many more difficult trials for any father than to watch his children depart from the fundamentals and end up being unhappy and without moral boundaries.
While passing on those values to my only child – my daughter [who lives in Sydney now], I have observed that a basic education in the key societal values and behaviour by parents that reinforce them certainly help minimize the chances that children will go astray. I have learnt from my father that teaching and exemplifying values like honesty, loyalty, respect, unselfishness, courage, self-reliance, self-discipline and modesty are an important role for any father who hopes his children will grow up as responsible and contributing members of the society.
I have seen my father's unique way of teaching and that was to 'teach by example'. He never preached what he did not practise himself. I have seen countless examples of his honesty – both in his personal and professional roles. There is no way that I can deny the pride I feel whenever I am talking about my father. However, in this article I am speaking on behalf of my siblings too – I have one sister and three brothers.
From my very childhood, I used to observe that my father kept his wallet/money openly, on top of the chest of drawers. He never locked up his closet/wardrobe or kept his belongings hidden. He gave us the sense of unconditional trust he has on those he loved. He taught us to ask whatever we needed but prior to that, he made us realise the limited means he had – as a provider. He taught us to look at the deprived ones, the underprivileged ones and therefore be thankful for whatever we have and regard them as the blessings we receive from the Almighty. The sole example of keeping his wallet exposed has taught us honesty- by encouraging us to tell the truth [taking the right amount of money and for the right reason] and to let him be aware of what's on our minds. Through this, he has also taught us restraint, gratitude and contentment. As if the responsibility lied on us to guard against greed or dishonesty.
He taught us discipline and to be consistent. He taught us how to respect 'privacy' and abstain from intruding into people's personal domain. He advised us never to mistrust anyone until proven otherwise. He was the architect of my confidence – a key thing that he has passed down and which has unfailingly kept me away from jealousy, vindictive feelings or tendency of coming up with lame excuses for my own flaws. A little example will explain. When I was in grade II, I got poor marks in maths and tried to justify telling my father that my teacher was partial….I hadn't even finished and my father instantly stopped me and said, 'Your teacher has the most important role in building your future, so never look at your teacher as your enemy. What motive will he/she have in being partial? Instead of blaming your teacher or others in your life, always try to identify your own weaknesses. Assess your performance and put your finger on your flaws - find out if there were ways you could have done better. You will always succeed and sail smooth in life'. I followed his advice religiously and till now have sailed smooth even in rough waters.
My father was a great story teller. Besides folk tales, he shared with his children biographies of famous people…..so the examples were from real life and did not only teach us the meaning but also the benefit of attributes like love, honesty, courage, determination, forgiveness, commitment, friendship, generosity, integrity and truth. I have never seen my father slip away from helping people – whether known or unknown. I still enjoy recalling an incident: There was a boy in Karachi who used to live on buying old newspapers and books. My father noticed that the boy took interest in going through the books he was buying. So Father called him and asked if he was keen on studying, to which the boy expressed his excitement. The boy shared his misfortune after his father fell ill and he had to give up his studies to look after the family. My father coached the boy every evening and encouraged him to appear privately for high school and graduation exams. In four years, the boy was a graduate and my father helped him get a job at the central bank where he was working. The boy came with his father and touched my father's feet.
While my father was critical of our wrongs, he was never slow in celebrating our right behaviour. He would reward us for good things we did and express unhesitatingly how proud he was as a father. The old adage that "there is no substitute for a good compliment" is never truer than in child-raising. He was excellent in encouraging new endeavours and that's how his five children found fun in being creative, loved to take up challenges and never hesitated to learn from mistakes.
I could go on and on and it would take volumes of books to write about him. However, I would like to pay tribute to him by reiterating: 'He was the world's 'No. 1 FATHER', who took the time to teach and exemplify the values he had chosen for his life and then, by word and example, let his children know how to find happiness in life through the application of fundamental human values.
I know he must be watching from up there and feeling proud that his children remember him with the utmost respect – not only on his death anniversaries but every day……in living the values he has sowed in our hearts and minds, with so much devotion and care. Even at our tender age, we did understand that he did not have unlimited money because he was a simple banker but we felt the pride that he was the blessed one to have a heart with the infinity of the sky.
Syeda Nazneen Ferdousi worked long years for a diplomatic mission and is currently engaged in consultancy services. She loves travelling, reading and listening to music.
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