What's In a Gift?

“The Twelve Days of Christmas” is an English Christmas carol that lists a series of increasingly grand gifts given by a “true love”, starting from 25th December till 5th January. According to The Oxford Dictionary of Nursery Rhymes: "Suggestions have been made that the gifts have significance, as representing the food or sport for each month of the year. Importance [certainly has] long been attached to the Twelve Days, when, for instance, the weather on each day was carefully observed to see what it would be in the corresponding month of the coming year. Nevertheless, whatever the ultimate origin of the chant, it seems probable [that] the lines that survive today both in England and France are merely an irreligious travesty."

Travesty or not, I have to profess an inexplicable attraction to this particular carol from a young age. It is in the promise of gifts building upon gifts. The idea of not just one day of delights but twelve days! The stability of always coming back to a partridge in a pear tree.  Whenever I heard this song, I had visions of twelve drummers and eleven pipers playing music while ten lords and nine ladies merrily danced around a ballroom. In the morning, they would have a farm-fresh breakfast courtesy of the eight maids-a-milking and then go for a leisurely stroll on rolling hills and dales, chancing upon seven swans, six geese, four calling birds, three French hens and two turtle doves. (Too much Enid Blyton and, later, Georgette Heyer can do that to you.)

The perfect ending to this scene was sitting under a pear tree with the partridge. Sometimes the partridge was a wise bird and had many stories to tell. Sometimes it warbled while you took rest under the tree. Sometimes it ate a pear from your hand. But never ever did it peck you or land any nasty projectile on your head.

For me, that remained the ultimate promise of this carol. Even if the ten lords fought over who would partner with the nine ladies; or the pipers felt the drummers were being divas and trying to take all the attention; or the milk turned sour because the maids were hung over and had overslept – that partridge always waited to sing to you. Even if the five golden rings tarnished and you realised they were actually made of brass; or the seven swans swam away and never came back to you; or the two turtle-doves got divorced, that pear tree would be waiting for you to lean on. Regardless of how your twelve days turned, it started and ended on that one comforting note. Back to basics.

I still enjoy listening to this Christmas carol. But if they would reconsider a rewrite of the twelve gifts, what are some changes I could think of? Here's what the sardonic (yet hopeful) writer in me came up with:

1. A mental pen and Bluetooth connected notebook: To take down all the brilliant plots (complete with dialogues and sassy twists) I have while dreaming but cannot, for the life of me, remember after I wake up.

2.     An intuitive circuit: It will switch off the wifi and my need to be online (aka procrastinate) when I am desperately trying to meet a deadline.

3.     A paper shredder: To make short work of the reject letters from publishers, while humming: 'I don't care I don't care I don't care'.

4.     A 'Thamen Bhai' Meme popout:  To come up between you and the garrulous uncle at a wedding who, upon hearing that you are a writer, says, “Oh, you should write my life story. It will be a bestseller!” The popout will also block off his voice as he is relating his story, allowing you to enjoy your kacchi in peace.

5.     A laughing Elmo doll: Featuring the famous red infantile character from Sesame Street, these were a sold out Christmas item many years ago. Cute as he is, Elmo has the most grating laugh imaginable and perfect to set before the next aunt who tells you your novel's protagonist Anamika is totally based on her, isn't it…admit it...isn't it?!

6.     A jar of words: for all those times when you can imagine the exact emotion but can't express it in one word, this jar will be your perfect after-midnight pick-me-upper.

7.     A pen monster on wheels: this robot will trail through your home, desk, all writing corners to find pens that no longer work. It will then gobble them up so they never frustrate you again at your inspirational moment.

8.     A pen fairy on wings: an excellent companion for item number 7, this robot will flitter about blessing your home and favourite nooks and crannies with pens so you never run short of ink when on a writing high.

9.     A DO NOT DISTURB bubble: automatically inflatable when your stress level is high, it is easy to lose yourself in when you're working on deadlines, rewriting the conclusion that refuses to conclude or simply prefer the company of characters hovering inside you over those hovering around you.

10.     A treasure chest: to keep your favourite books in. It fits conveniently under your bed so you always have them handy when you need inspiration.

11.     A genius playlist:  It will assess the writing mood you are in and select songs from your music library accordingly so you never again get a rude jolt by Axl Rose's “Welcome to the Jungle”, while in the middle of writing a romantic scene.

12.     The perfect writing café: reasonably priced vanilla latte, soft-spoken customers, phone free zone, well-spaced out tables, sympathetic waiters. Open daily, from 11pm to 4am. Total bliss!