THIS WEEK'S HORRORSCOPE

Aries
You see that female illusionist? Run. 

Taurus
Red Bull gives you wings. Why do you have a tail, then? 

Gemini
You see blue, I see black. What's wrong? 

Cancer
Still addicted to Linkin Park, huh? 

Leo
Don't pressurize yourself too much today. 

Virgo
Get a barrel of monkeys. It brings good career luck.

Libra
Can I just say you're as interesting as bottled water?

Scorpio
We don't dab anymore. Like we used to do. 

Sagittarius
Sif the Wolf wants to meet you. 

Capricorn
That vest isn't a good idea. 

Aquarius
Told you not to mash your keyboard dammit. 

Pisces
Now donate your GTX-1070 so that I can SLI.