This Week's Horrorscope

ARIES

Mix hot water and cold water. You get llamas.  

TAURUS

Do you have your wings now? Okay. 

GEMINI

I told you to quit it with the "gem" puns. 

CANCER

Still not platinum yet bro. What you doing?  

LEO

I regret my choices. Your future is bleak. 

VIRGO

I suppose you've found employment by now. 

LIBRA

Libya is a good place for you to settle in. 

SCORPIO

I am not saying you stink but...

SAGITTARIUS

Don't play Hanzo. Just don't. 

CAPRICORN

Flip through the pages of an empty notebook. You'll feel better. 

AQUARIUS

If the Mexicans are so bad, how do you explain tacos? 

PISCES

Buying games every other weekend is not good for your wallet.