How to befriend animals that hate you

And you thought befriending people was difficult.

IDENTIFY YOUR PROBLEM
When the animals won't stop seething at the sight of you, it's time you consider some major lifestyle changes. You can't go around drinking milk out of the cartoon in your best friend's house and expect his cat to just be okay with it. And have you considered that your pet moina pakhi won't say your name because he's tired of playing Talking Tom in front of all your friends? Maybe he's sick of hearing, "Amar naam bolo toh, Pinky", because which sane person would name his very green self "Pinky", and what problem have you resolved for Pinky to remember your name. Don't blame the humidity, or a bad lunch for the animal being peeved, it's really just you.

DO NOT DISRESPECT
What were you thinking comparing your idiot best friend to puppies' right in front of the mother dog? He ain't gonna let that go. If you go around eating extra spicy chicken wings in front of the very alive chicken, you're just asking for it. The chicken knows exactly what happened to the egg it laid last night, so don't get too cocky, that's his job. And get rid of that Mohawk. Other than the fact that it's so 2010, you're offending all the other chicken who's going berserk at the sight of you being a mere wannabe. Respect is a two way street, and the chicken surely isn't going to cross the road for your respect, you need to give it to him upfront.

EXTEND A FRIENDLY HAND
Which is synonymous to extend food. Much like human bonds, food can mark the foundation of any new beginnings with animals. When courting a girl, you must court her cat as well. Can you really make it official unless the cat gives you its blessing? So the chocolate you get the girl may be a cheap one from mama's tong. However, for the Billi the cat, you must take very high quality tatka rui-katla and hope to God he understands the current hilsha fish situation. And what is that "high fibre" Australian bird nourishment you're feeding your khati Bengali tota pakhi? He aint about that white bird food, get him some fruit instead. 

Whether you're trying to get the approval of you girlfriend's cat Tiger, battling to survive from the dog guarding the road to school every day, or merely wanting your pet bird to reciprocate your feelings, you're in for one hell of a ride. Pucker up.

Samin Sabah Islam is on a quest to find the perfect diet while simultaneously drooling over pizza. Throw her some tips at sabahsamin11@gmail.com