SALAMI NINJA

Money and all other worldly wealth are nothing but temporary illusions, my friend. Our goal in life should be eternal salvation and fleeting above all worldly needs. 

Who am I kidding? You want money don't you? That's why you're here. Over the years, I've learnt a few ninja-like super discreet moves to squeeze out every takaout of that fat juicy wallet of a senior. So start stretching and get your pocket ready for a yearly payroll.

DRESS ACCORDINGLY
It's the most basic advice of them all. Atleast when you're salami hunting, be sure to dress like a bubbly 10-year old whose Eid clothes were picked out by their parents. The nerdier you look, the easier you sell.

GAUGE YOUR PREY
No matter how much we try, we can never get that one khalamoni to take out more than a 100 taka note from her purse. So it's important that you know your victim and plan your efforts based on the probable colour of note coming out of their pockets. A few basic and common examples have been outlined below, but remember, the nature of the prey depends on the jungle they grew up in.
 The middle-aged aunt who thinks she's in her 20s: Moderately easy target; requires basic validation about how good she looks. Probable payout range – taka 500 to 1000.
 The boro apu who thinks she's not old enough to be giving out salami: Tough nut to crack; requires extensive emotional blackmailing about how much you look up to her. Probable payout range – taka 50 to 200.
 The guest who is a very distant relative (4th cousin of your chacha or something): Moderate target; exclusive tactic–inflict social burden by asking infront of your parents. Probable payout range – depends on the genuineness of the innocent expression on your face.

The grandparents: Easy target; requires genuine hugs. Probable payout range – taka 1000and beyond with lots of love.

BECOME AN IBA GRADUATE FOR A DAY
Nothing sells better to your chachas and mamas than good grades or ECA trophies. Be the model child they can compare their children to, because it's okay to screw your cousins over sometimes. Won a participant's consolation mug at an Olympiad? Throw that into the mix. Quantity over quality, kids.

PRACTICE YOUR PUPPY FACE
Remember that all female relatives, no matter how old they are, have an Achilles' heel. Train yourself so that your face automatically turns into that of a 10-year old as soon as you get within a 10-metre radius of any khala or chachi.

YOUR OTHER UNCLE GAVE YOU MORE
Remember kids, Eid is a social status competition between your uncles and aunts. So the mention of a 500 taka note that your "other mama" gave you is always a feasible tactic to throw the others off guard and get your hands on a heavier note.

DON'T BE THAT GUY/GIRL
We understand that some of us have more liberal relatives than others. And thus it's unfair for us to show off our new bank balance to kids with slightly lighter pockets. If your total exceeds an amount of 3000, please don't upload a picture with the notes lined up on your bed. It hurts us, right in the feels.

As the month of Ramadan comes to an end, it's time you empty your wallets of whatever change you have left. Donate whatever you have to a charity or any good cause. Remember – what goes around, comes around.

Happy hunting! 

The writer is a grade 12 student of St. Joseph Higher Secondary School.