The News You Never Got (or Even Imagined)

Disclaimer:  All news, views, characters, persons and institutions in the cover story are purely fictitious. Any resemblance to anyone/anything real is purely coincidental.

Opening the newspapers often fills us with dread - corruption, murders, accidents, deaths, destruction, injustice and more corruption – our reality seems to be dominated by doom and gloom. But what would we really like the news to say… The Star gives you all the news you didn't know about.
— THE STAR TEAM

ADULTERATION IN FOOD GAINING POPULARITY IN THE US

HEALTH CORRESPONDENT

A June survey by the Food and Medicine Administration of the US found that 88 percent of all food items available in the US are adulterated. This is a dramatic rise in just one year; in 2013, adulteration was detected in only 0.7 percent food items. John Formalin, the vice president of Short Island, NY Restaurant Association says, “For some time now, we have been closely monitoring the food market in Bangladesh where adulteration in food is a common practice. We are simply impressed with how Bangladeshi vendors are earning higher profits than their counterparts anywhere else in the world by mixing toxic chemical in food items and getting away with it.”

US consumers have responded positively. “If our Bangladeshi brothers and sisters can eat formalin-contaminated fish, carbide-infested fruits and happily drink milk containing urea, and starch,” says Jamie Warren of Sacramento, California. “We asked: why can't we do that and make higher profits? We are all going to die someday anyway.”

Cartoon: Sharier Khan

MINISTERS IN MANHOLE

To raise public awareness on traffic jam and road safety

SPECIAL CORRESPONDENT

Yesterday a significant cabinet meeting was held on the issue of severe traffic jam and road safety in the capital. But unlike other meetings, the ministers chose a sewerage manhole as the venue of their discussion on this crisis issue. Ministers wearing their usual penguin -wear went down in the hole to find their place in a catacomb like environment. But why this unusual venue? A minister replies, “We are inspired by the ministers of Maldives. A few years ago they arranged an underwater cabinet meeting to indicate their consciousness about the country's threat of extinction due to climate change. We are also very conscious about our people's sufferings due to severe traffic jam and devastated condition of our roads. This is why we made this arrangement.”

But a unanimous source from the ministry says a minister who used to find rubbish everywhere first proposed this idea as he felt that he needs more rubbish around his office. Another minister who is popularly known as “The Black Cat” supported this proposal claiming that he likes dark, stinky and haunted environment by nature. He added that the unusual environment with rats and roaches around would also help some ministers to stay awake throughout the meeting.

In the meeting the honourable ministers agreed on some significant steps that might solve the severe traffic problem in the capital. One of the decisions is all the VIPs who used to block normal commuters for their safe transport, will use rocket propelled vehicle so that they can be launched from their home and reach the destination within a second. To learn technical detail of these vehicles a committee of three members will visit Afghanistan soon. Another committee of three members have been formed for a professional tour to the Mars. During their tour they will learn why there are no road accidents in that planet although there are no roads.

No More Mr Bad Guy

Best police force in the world overwhelmed by public gratitude

Staff Correspondent

It's becoming more and more difficult for police officials to get out of their homes in fear of being bombarded by bouquets, garlands and flowers by over grateful citizens of the country.

Farmer Gorib Miah had tears in his eyes as he explained how the current lot of policemen and women have effectively ended muggings, abductions and murders. “Our policemen are the smartest, fittest, bravest police force in the whole world!” he explains.
 
Gorib Miah, along with hundred others, has been waiting for days to catch a glimpse of the people's heroes – the police force. People have been travelling to the capital city from all over the country with gifts of fresh produce, cattle and poultry to present to the brave law enforcers. “We have no more space to keep vegetables. I think I must have fractured my back running after chickens, trying to get them all in one place. We can't even say no to people when they bring us gifts,” says Chalu Khan, OC of Ghushgonj of the capital city. “We don't mind cash, though,” says Chalu, rubbing his hand in apparent anticipation. “But we obviously don't want to impose anything on anyone. However, some cash would be appreciated. Ever since we went honest, I haven't been able to treat my wife to a good restaurant. I promised to take her to Worstinn this Eid. Maybe you could help?” he asked in a barely audible voice, before a person from outside the police station caught a glimpse of him and ran towards Chalu, running after him with a goat before the OC had time to close the station's door.

In a recent survey by Baseless Bantering Courier (BBC), people from different countries nominated the Bangladesh Police as the most honest and helpful police force in the world. This is definitely a well-deserved accomplishment, said a spokesperson of the ruling party. “Our party has managed to do the impossible. We have been able to bring the police and the people closer. If it weren't for our party, the police could never have had so many cases to solve and in turn become celebrated heroes of the people,” she said. The opposition party screamed unfair play, stating that this accreditation was a conspiracy of the ruling party.

Golden Teeth for Suarez!

SPORTS DESK

Uruguayan football star Luis Suarez was awarded the Golden Teeth for his stupendous performance in the recently concluded World Cup.

“Players don't usually bite each other on the football ground, and Suarez has achieved this feat four times in his decade long career! We don't think anyone is more deserving of this award than Suarez,” says a spokesperson of the football federation.
As Suarez went to accept his award, he was overcome with emotion, and in an impulsive moment he bit the hand of the award presenter. While the dumbfounded man kept standing at his post, Suarez stated, “This is the happiest day of my life! I could bite everyone in the stadium!” The seated public all clambered to get out of the football stadium where the event was being held. Thousands were injured before Suarez promised that he would not use his biting skills on innocent people but would rather unleash his fury on the football ground. Immediately after this announcement, several players of competing football teams handed in their resignation letters, saying that they were no match to Suarez's legendary teeth.

Cricket for Water

Political Correspondent

A fifty-fifty cricket match will be held in Sher-e-Bangla National Cricket Stadium in the upcoming months between the members of the parliament of India and Bangladesh. The date is yet to be set. Such a cricket match will solve the long term problems and disagreements the respected countries have had regarding the water supply, announced the foreign ministers of both the countries at a joint press conference in Dhaka. The winner of the match will have the final say in the Teesta agreement, and the losing country must accept it.

The event will be organised by BCB and the Parliament of Bangladesh. A committee has already been established to carry out this event successfully. “After years and years of quarrelling about water, this is the only logical solution to the problem”, says the head of the committee Mr KHM Nazrul.

It has primarily been informed that Mamata Banerjee will be the captain of the Indian team. A group of people have claimed that it is only Hussain Mohammad Ershad who is handsome enough to represent our country in such a prestigious event and threatened that they will opt for hunger strikes if their demands are not met. Neither Ershad, nor Sahara Khatun was available for a comment.

EID NEWS
Eid Shopping Reaches New Level

EID Correspondent

While many shopping malls in the country are inundated in knee-deep to waist-deep water due to torrential rain causing misery for the shoppers, the Ministry of Shopping has introduced their new project called “float and shop.”

“Water should be accessible- it's a basic human right. Therefore instead of excavating canals and receding water, our government has undertaken this noble project,” said Shopping Minister Anarkali Kulchhum Begum.

For the first time in Bangladesh, the project introduces guided boat tours, underwater submarines and 5 star luxurious yachts for the shopping lovers.  

“The shoppers who love to go shopping with their family and extended family with a vow to shop more than 20 kilos can choose our 5 star luxurious yachts, we provide iftar, dinner and sehri so that you can shop like a king”, said Challu Islam, executive officer of a local shopping mall.

Disco Ara Mira from Dhanmondi, has bought 3 exclusive replicas of 'Pakistani lawns' (cotton fabrics for shalwar kameezes) and got one raincoat free-taking advantage of the promotion.

“Our play zone features mini water aerobics, mini snorkeling and simulated scuba diving supervised by our professionally trained staff”, said Montu Miah, a sales manager of the leading market.  

Similar reports of a huge rush of the shoppers with astronomical sales have been received from other divisions of the country.

Unprecedented Crowds Expected at East Inn

Staff Reporter

Special Eid prayers are to be held at East Inn from now onwards. The six and a half star hotel has been the most popular destination on Eid for a large group of young Dhakaites. “It is with the customer's best interest in mind, we have decided that we should host the Eid Prayers for them”, informs Gabriel Garcia Manage, the manager. In addition, starting from this year, East Inn will also be serving a unique item on the Eid special called “ma er hater laccha shemai” for a sky high price.

The new offers have created much enthusiasm amongst the young generation. Many have expressed their happiness at the fact that they can now spend the entire day at East Inn. However critics say, going to East Inn on Eid can lead to two disturbing syndromes. One is wearing dark sunglasses indoors, a common “trend” between the East Inn goers. This has led to deteriorating vision as well as violence when young women with particularly dark glasses have 'accidentally' bumped into young women in the presence of their significant others.
The other syndrome involves compulsive picture taking (especially selfies) in every corner of the huge hotel.

“Going to East Inn on Eid is like a tradition! I have been going there to celebrate both the Eids for the past five years because that is where all the cool people go”, informed committed East Inn dweller Raf Icantthinkformyself Hassan.

Run Baby Run

Sports Correspondent

With a little over a week left for Eid-ul-Fitr, one of the biggest religious festivals of the Muslims, the Bangladesh Railway Welfare Association along with the Ministry of Youth and Children is going to organise 'Amir Chand Miah Mini Olympic' in the railway stations featuring a number of Olympic games like 'run like a jet', Beat and Sit, Hanging Monkey, The Amazing Deshi Spiderman and many more.

Being part of such a presigious competition demands a certain level of maturity to handle disappointments and accept personal responsibility for any mistakes believes the Railway Minister Amir Chand Miah.

Among all the games, 'run like a jet' is considered the most popular.
In this game the participants have to run as soon as the rail-race committee's whistle-blower blows the whistle followed by a loud but inaudible announcement from the railway authority.

Likewise in the 'Amazing Deshi Spiderman', the participants need to climb and crawl on the roof of the moving trains using no climbing equipment except for their luggage.

Every year these sporting activities attract crowds of onlookers who clap and cheer for the participants.
The rulebook committee informs this correspondent that elbow-pushing, hitting with luggage, clasping and scratching are encouraged to reach the end point. However anyone found pushing other participants off the platform would be grounds for disqualification.
According to anonymous sources, there have been instances of foul play in these games.

“Last year even though I threw my bag from a distance to take over the seat, another participant passed her kid through the window and claimed the seat's ownership,” a participant for 'Beat and Sit' who declined to be named informs.

Like the previous years, Channel Duniyadari is going to telecast this Mini Olympic all over the world.

It is mentionable here that this year Fake-E, one of the biggest names of the sportswear is sponsoring footwear for the last year's winner and two runners up in different categories.

Foreigners Don't want to Go
Better WIFI connection making them stay

Special Correspondent

Fifty five foreigners were detained yesterday in the capital. They were detained while browsing internet illegally in front of the Parliament Building. All fifty five were found to be holding foreign passports; none of them had any Bangladeshi visa or passport. Every year hundreds of people from the United States, United Kingdom, and Canada are illegally entering Bangladesh. Almost 90 percent of them do not have any visa or permanent resident permit. The reason behind this unusual trend that seems to defy logic is the lure of  powerful, cheap internet and WIFI even in the remotest areas of the country. As only Bangladesh provides the best internet and WIFI service for its citizens, foreigners from all over the world are entering illegally into Bangladesh for its super fast internet and WIFI, which is also the cheapest in the world.  

“It's just so fast, it is hard to go back to my country to a life of slow internet connections and weak wifi” said Stacy Cameback, an American software programmer from Silicon Valley and one of the detainees. The detainees face up to 7 years imprisonment or community service at Hemayetpur Mental Hospital for the same period.

SCIENCE AND FICTION
Blonds Are Going Extinct

A study conducted by the World Health Organisation suggests that blond hair isn't going to exist in the human population after 200 years. The reason has something to do with blond hair being a recessive gene that is being slowly usurped by the other hair colours. Due to this hostile genetic takeover, the last natural blond would be born in Finland sometime over the next two centuries. This would presumably be followed by a thousand years of darkness.

John Smith, the lead author of the study writes, “Our research shows that it will be a she who will also have ocean blue eyes.” The news has apparently made 60 percent of men who love blondes sad in the US, Canada, Sweden and Australia.
The study was published last month in the journal Nature and Hair.

Who Needs a Thumb Drive When
You Can Store Data in Your Thumb?

It turns out there's a new programme called Sparsh that lets you move files between devices by storing the data in your body. A joint team of engineers from Japan and Switzerland has developed a device that you wear on your thumb, touch anywhere in the monitor of your computer and voila! Your thumb turns into a flash memory with integrated Universal Serial Bus (USB) interface. The advantage with the new device is that you can never lose it and you don't have to worry about anyone stealing your data.  

Japanese engineers first came up with the idea of using biometrics and encryption for increased security for data. The newly designed device called TDTYB (Transfer Data through Your Body) is supported in Windows 7, Windows XP, Windows Vista and Linux.
No word yet on how many gigabytes are available in the average human.

Sewerage Burst Floods New York City

International Desk 

Yesterday the US government asked Bangladesh's help to reconstruct the dilapidated old sewerage system of New York City. In a letter to the Prime Minister, US President Abul Barek said, “Oh! Madam please saves us. Human litter filled the roads of New York City. It is absolutely impossible to live in the city.” In the letter the president also painted a rather gloomy picture of the state of sanitation. The letter also mentions that the New York City Corporation forgot to repair the sewerage system for the last 50 years.

However the foreign friendship ministry's spokesperson asked, “Why should the Bangladesh government handle the US sewerage system?” He also adds, “In recent times, we have donated huge amounts of money for the urban development of the US but enough is enough. If they cannot run the country, they should rent it to others.”  

Natural disasters often spill across the New York City, and every time such a situation arises the US government requires coordination, cooperation and assistance from Bangladesh. Moreover, the sheer expense of disaster relief stretches the limited resources of the poor states of America. However Abul Barek believes that Bangladesh will come up with an effective response to aid a major disaster like this on humanitarian grounds.

INTERVIEW

A Dizzy Taal Story
Our Correspondent

the Star: In the photo taken on Mars, you are not wearing any oxygen mask…
Cat Reena: I have been living in Dhaka ever since I was born. Thanks to the brick kilns, Hajaribag tannery and the formalin induced food that we are having, I earnestly think that any ordinary Bangladeshi will survive without oxygen for at least 10/15 days.

the Star: Many people claim that you never went to Mars, that you merely took a boat ride to the Korean Export Processing Zone in Anowara, Chittagong…
Cat Reena: Now this is sad. Anowara is a nice place…I can't say more.

the Star: You were telling me that you saw something when you looked at the earth?

Cat Reena: It was amazing. I saw the entire earth turn into Babul Hossain's face, later it morphed into Padma Bridge. I expected to see Queen Mothers or King Trek or the new King in the face of the earth, but it was Babul that I saw. He looked green and sexy.

the Star: What did you bring from Mars?
Cat Reena: I brought some Funny Leone lehangas.

the Star: Will you be able to wear them in public? Well, I haven't seen them, but from the name it can be derived that they will be…
Cat Reena:  Ahem…ahem…

the Star: What's your future plan?
Cat Reena: My future plan is to find South Talpotty and put Bangladesh's flag on the island.

SPECIAL FEATURE
Food Adulterers Become Truthful

Special Correspondent

With Ramadan almost over food vendors have been hit with something they thought they had shed off with their milk teeth – a conscience.
The affliction is in its early stages which is why only the initial symptoms are being manifested. This has led to the renaming of many edibles.

Iftar vendors, who commit what is being called 'food adultry' and who daily sell thousands of takas worth of dyed, deep fried foods, have decided to call them by their real names. There is for instance, the Mobil Jilapi and Chhilka Beguni, the conventional sliver of eggplant or eggplant skin cushioned by a fat, fluffy layer of orange-dyed batter. Fried chicken – a staple of the rich and middle classes, is being renamed 'Fried Beheshti Chicken' (Fried, Heaven-bound Chicken) referring to their passage into the afterlife long before they are cooked. A vendor in Gulistan has even dared to call his most popular dish 'Boro Mamar Mora Morog Polao' (Older Uncle's Dead Rooster's Pilaf).

Fruit and vegetable vendors have also been affected calling their produce such unusual names such as 'Carbide Fazli” (a variety of mango), Saccharin Tormuj (a variety of melon) and Iter Dal (brick lentils). Essential items have also been given names – Tannery Egg, …Deem, Shisha Holud (Lead Turmeric) and Melamine Milk.

It is almost as if these vendors have been given some sort of truth serum, say experts, forcing them to call a spade, a spade – unheard of in recent history.
The reactions from consumers have been mixed. Some health conscious individuals have reportedly stopped eating anything from the markets and are now living off their houseplants. But a large number of consumers have actually increased their consumption of these items. Apparently these innovative titles attract many adventurous food connoisseurs who are always looking for novelty to titillate their palates.

Nayan Uddin Bhaebla, a two hundred pound foodie from Bagatuli says: “I love experimenting (with food), I like challenging myself and my stomach.” These foods are exciting because of their potential to kill people. It's like how people in Japan eat Fugu, a poisonous blowfish that can be lethal if not prepared in a certain way. “It's quite thrilling I must say”, remarks Bhaebla about the city’s new trend.