Ways to Certify Yourself as a Sociopath on Eid

Preach Vegetarianism
Vegetables are great but the red meat used to build up the biceps that'll throw punches at you is greater. It's okay to be a vegetarian, it really is. But there is a time and a place. You don't wear a fedora and moonwalk into a playground, do you? Time and place, my friend.

Spend the Night with Your Sacrificial Animal
You might want to make your cow (or goat as it was in my case) feel good about its last day on Earth, but it's all about how you do it. Watching 500 Days of Summer with your pet cat is fine but if the cow's eyes remind you of Zooey Deschanel's, the next morning won't be pleasant for you or anyone around you. Also, dress appropriately.

Beating Your Meat
Don't hit your cow. Seriously. Animal abuse is NOT cool.

Insisting on Packaging Your Meat with Recyclable Material
Paper bags are cool: they're made of paper, they decompose and they look excellent over my face according to my mother. But they're not good for handling meat. Your cow did not die to drip all over someone's new punjabi or sari. Do you remember the Zooey Deschanel eyes of your cow? Up there in heaven, they're crying and the tears don't fall, they crash around me.

Watch Anime
If you're doing this on Eid, you're too far down the rabbit hole for me to save you.

Look for Arguments on the Internet
Do you think Androids are better than iPhones? PCs are better than consoles? Homeopathic medicine can cure ebola? Your opinions need to be shoved down someone's throat? Congratulations! Tumblr will host your blog completely free of charge!

Selfies of the Wrong Kind
Your cow is getting slaughtered, you take our your brand new iPhone 6: Bend It Like Beckham edition then snap a selfie, hashtag it as #jobai on Instagram and upload it. Just one hashtag? You're either new to this Instagram thing or you're just plain ignorant. Add #kurbani #eid #cow #blood #gore #machete.

Reactions after Reading This Article
1. Get offended at the writer.
2. Find nothing wrong with it.
3. Think about your significant other.
4. Feel rather hungry.