Dining with the Intelligentsia

A part of being a professional is being invited to various dinners given by people far more important and well known than you, attended by individuals, sometimes equally or even more important than them, the host(s).

For some invitees this is like winning a much-coveted prize. The opportunity to actually exchange name cards and network with high ups and celebrities promises all sorts of possibilities. For others, the shy, behind the scenes types, such dinners are obligatory activities to prove that they are normal people and that they appreciate the interest taken in them. In some cases it may also be to show that they are interested in keeping their current job.

Whatever the reason, such dos can be a little intimidating.  

If it is a function with celebrities from the intelligentsia – writers, theatre actors, poets, economists, award winning development gurus, professors of universities with formidable pedigrees and so on, – what to wear (which is usually the first excruciating challenge)  is perhaps the easiest hurdle to cross. Keeping it simple with minimal accessories is the way to go –cotton saris, preferably naturally dyed, clay jewellery, comfortable sandals, handloom punjabis and an intelligent expression are good options to wear to blend in.
The hard part is knowing how to behave.

Greeting people, for instance, is a bit of a quandary and can leave you in absolute mortification:
You extend your hand for a handshake and the highly acclaimed writer looks ahead of you, waves wildly at someone and goes off in another direction.

You become uncertain whether to verbally greet the elderly celebrity swamped by pugnacious fans or kiss her on both cheeks like the last time you met. You decide to be warm and attempt to do the latter but she frowns and says frostily: “And who are you?”

If you are lucky enough to be introduced and therefore are now part of an illustrious group what do you say to make yourself seem interesting? If you haven't read today's newspapers you are in big trouble. Most likely people will be referring to various news items like the complications of a court verdict or a major debacle in a test series. One option is to bluff your way out by shaking and shrugging and saying 'Unbelievable!' a few times before saying 'Excuse me, I have to say hello to someone'. If there is no person you can say 'hello' to you may show an overpowering interest in the paintings, bric-a-brac – even that obscene statue of a fertility god. You may also rush off to the bathroom to lock yourself up for a few minutes to gather strength.

When the food has been served it is usually a relief from the strain of being in proximity to such a high concentration of grey matter in such a short period of time. But even this may not be as simple as you thought. Say you are in the queue, after having politely allowing senior/more important people to go in front of you when suddenly an elderly lady, just cuts in and nonchalantly starts serving herself. Every instinct tells you to tap her on the shoulder and say: “Hey missy this here is the queue.” Remember how effective it was at the supermarket and the diagnostic centre? But this is a highly sophisticated social gathering where courteous behaviour even among sworn enemies is a prerequisite. So you stand there in silent torment as she piles on the last three prawn balls you were eyeing and let it be.

There are other confusing rules of etiquette at these formal functions. At a table full of heavyweights it is always a dilemma whether to make polite conversation or just munch away in silence without making loud crunching noises. And what if they all know each other, make inside jokes and laugh hysterically? How do you avoid looking like a pathetic loser poking miserably at the unwieldy piece of mutton?