PARENTING 101
Salma and Anisul Islam welcomed their precious little son four years ago. The moment these two became first time parents to a baby boy, Arka Islam, they vowed that they would leave no stone unturned to bring up a 'good' child.
“We were overwhelmed by the well-intended but unsolicited advice of all our family members; a list of 'expert' opinions about what to do and what not to do from other parents and comments on how they did it,” remembers Salma with a smile on her face.
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Anisul recalls Salma looking for an 'ideal' baby care book, browsing over the many available choices for hours.
“During these past few years, we were careful about not spanking him, and not allowing him to spend too many hours in front of the television. We made sure that we went on yearly vacations with him.”
But they unknowingly made one mistake. They heeded to every single demand of their only son.
Arka's toy box is now a stockpile of every kind of the latest available toy in the market. “Even then it was fine, until he was captivated by all kinds of videogames - on his consoles, on our phones and laptops.”
His parents thought this was natural since every other kid in the neighbourhood had the same kind of console games and they were not willing to become overbearing and intimidating parents. Initially they took pride in how smartly he beat the evil minions of the game. But it started getting worse when they discovered that he was addicted to these little boxes.
When they would attend a family function, Arka would get bored after a while and would be found in a corner playing on someone's smartphone. When they had guests over to their place, instead of greeting them, he would be busy playing with a console, his eyes fixed on the screen, hardly realizing that they were talking to him.
“He is just 4 years old and we cannot blame him, as we are the ones who have bought him these games. At times I feel frustrated wondering whether I am a good parent. How do you know how much is too much? Do self-help books and tips like '10 Easy Steps for Becoming a Good Parent' actually work?” asks the mother in frustration.
From the innumerable number of books on parenting we know that there are no set rules to good parenting. Parents from the last generation, our grandparents, our great grandparents didn't really follow any strict rulebook. While on the one hand, kids nowadays are sometimes better informed than their parents, thanks to all the available resources, on the other, these very same resources can have a detrimental effect on the ethical values in children.
“We have many parents coming to us with similar problems” says Rumela Ali, consultant, Department of Clinical Psychology, Dhaka Community Medical College and Hospital. “Either their child is spending too much time in front of a digital media or they are too insolent. Some parents even think that their children lack in sensitivity and empathy. The first thing that we ask these parents is whether they are spending enough time with their kids.”
According to Rumela, it's very important to know how much time is enough time.
“Spending a certain amount of quality time, 2-3 hours a day for example, could do wonders for your relationship with your child. But this doesn't mean that you need to keep him entertained during that time,” she adds. Taking them out to a fancy amusement park or to a movie of their choice does not equal to spending quality time with your children, says Rumela. Sometimes, just talking to them, laughing at their antics and sharing each other's thoughts is more than enough. “This will help to build good communication with your child and also it means that you are being an active participant in your child's everyday struggle.”
Children of a certain age, toddlers, for example, are just like us; they don't always listen. So parents need to be good role models to them, says Zohra Jabin, counsellor, Chittagong Grammar School. “If you don't want your child's little hands clutching the gadgets, make sure you don't spend too much time on gadgets around him,” adds Jabin.
When it comes to working parents, we often find many of them wishing that they could spend a little more time with their children during their first few years, but given the pressures of daily life, sometimes these opportunities are far and between.
However, experts suggest that it's imperative that working parents don't feel guilty about not spending enough time with their children. If you stay all day with your kids, but leave them in front of the TV without giving them proper attention, you are definitely not the ideal parent. Paying attention to their material needs and demands but not actually listening to them or helping them share their thoughts and ideas does not make you a good parent either. Having a two-way communication between parents and kids is a must; the more you communicate with each other, the better the chance that your kid won't lie to you.
Spending quantity time might be difficult, given the times and the increasing number of working parents. Child psychologists and counsellors argue that one alternative that modern parents use as a babysitting tool is television and gaming gadgets. And this, they say, is perhaps one of the worst mistakes of parenting.
A recent study published by Public Health England reveals that increasing screen time is responsible for impulsive behaviour, depression and lower self-esteem of children. As children spend more time with different types of gadgets and television, they get more and more reluctant to do any physical activities or engage in face to face interactions with their family, especially their parents.
“Considering the number of adverse outcomes, well-established research and literature all around the world has reached the consensus that we need to reduce screen time for children,” says Dr Pranab Kumar Chowdhury, child specialist, Chittagong Medical College.
Generally child specialists don't encourage children aged under two to watch any kind of television programmes, from three years onward parents are advised to limit screen time to two hours per day, says Chowdhury. “Unfortunately most of the television programmes are not well designed for a child's cognitive process. So we advise parents to allow them to watch TV through co-sharing with a supportive partner, usually a parent, with whom they can discuss the content later,” he adds.
Throughout his teaching experience Jashodhan Saha, director Solver Institute of Mathematical Skill Development, noticed a tremendous shift in children's behaviour, especially in terms of possessing more and appreciating less. Holding parents mostly responsible, he believes that they give their children everything they ask for out of love, and concern that they might not be able to fit in with their peers otherwise. They don't really care about the future implications of these decisions.
“As a result children have developed an unhealthy competition among them and don't have an understanding of gratitude, satisfaction and simplicity,” says Saha.
Parenting, naturally involves a lot of guidance, correcting and directing but that does not mean you need to be harsh with your kids to make them listen to you.
Yelling, using bad language or beating them are counterproductive to a child's development and may lead to behavioural disorders in the future., talking to your kids in a calm but firm and respectful manner have more positive results. When your child is being disrespectful, you as a parent need to correct them in a respectful manner. Shouting or embarrassing them in front of the others will make the situation worse
“Research findings suggest that physical violence leads to child aggression, impaired parent-child relationship, and poorer child mental health,” says Laila Khondkar, director, child protection, Save the Children.
“Children experiencing physical punishment may become aggressive and demonstrate anti-social behaviour in adult lives. But there are alternatives. For example, Positive Discipline (developed by Dr. Joan Durrant of University of Manitoba, Canada) is an excellent parenting programme. One of its objectives is to answer 'If I don't hit my child, what else can I do?'”
The training also teaches parents about children's rights in a non-threatening way, and provides parents with concrete tools for resolving conflict, says Laila. “Positive Discipline is about long-term solutions that develop child's own self-discipline, clear communication of parental expectations, rules and limits, building a mutually respectful relationship with the child, teaching the child life-long skills, increasing the child's confidence and competence, teaching courtesy, non-violence, empathy, self-respect, human rights and respect for others.”
Apart from communicating with their kids, parents also need to ensure that their children interact and are polite with people from every walk of life.
“We are developing a generation that often lacks values like tolerance, respect and openness. Many children in our country interact only with their family and friends belonging to a similar kind of social class. As a result they fail to see the beauty in everyone they encounter and respect the differences,” says Rumela.
Shaha adds that he often hears his young students complain about how annoyed they feel when their relatives visit them. They seem reluctant to spend any time outside of their friend and this leads them to behave rudely with people who they haven't really spent any time with. Parents, he says, have a huge hand in shaping children's attitude towards people other than their peers.
Parents who only utter the mantra of wanting to raise a good child but do not display the qualities themselves will never be able to raise a moral child. They need to practice what they preach.
The golden rule of teaching your kids to respect others is to treat them with the respect and dignity they deserve. Respecting your kids simply mean discussing their feelings, acknowledging their ideas and letting them talk about their opinions.
Simply put, treat your kid as a reasonable human being.
Children follow the footsteps of their parents and other adult caregivers, says Rumela. Thus, it is very important for parents to be the role models that their children seek. “For example, parents need to demonstrate how to treat each human being with respect and dignity despite their socio-economic status or different identities. Your everyday activities will help instil values like kindness, consideration, honesty and empathy in your children,” she adds.
There is no easy answer to the question of how to raise a child who won't lie or bribe their chauffeur to cover up their tracks. “My experience says that giving a child proper attention and quality time and forming a good communication with them are surely going to help,” believes Jabin.
“In the last few years the idea of parents seeking professional counselling has become popular,” comments Rumela. “The number of people who are sceptical about how only counselling can help solve their problems is getting lesser every day. In fact more and more parents come to us in search for suggestions and advice about good parenting. This shows that parents today are conscious about raising a moral child.”
Save the Children provides Positive Discipline training in some of its working areas in Bangladesh, says Laila. “But there should be more programmes on effective parenting, which will contribute to developing the capacity of parents in performing their responsibilities properly,” she believes.
There are thousands of reasons to take pride in this generation of kids. They are smart, intelligent human beings with a mind and will of their own. If you think that as a parent you should have done some things differently in your child's first few years, do remember that it's never too late to change your parenting tactics. Take time to talk to them and try to be their friends and role models. When you need to be strict, don't hesitate in being strict. When you need to let go, relax and loosen the leash. Being a parent is a lifelong learning process.
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