THIS WEEK'S HOROSCOPE

Aries     

when is you be when dog is kill?

Taurus 

"An Apple a day keeps the doctor away" —Steve Jobs

Gemini

Washing your beloved's clothes will bring f—luck. 

Cancer 

Don't take dating advice from anyone apart from the man in prison.

Leo        

Throw your visiting cards in the air. The first three to land will speak of your future.

Virgo    

Ancient aliens gave us the extra hole. Use it.

Libra     

You are Donald Duck's pants.

Scorpio

Wear banana earrings for a raise.

Sagittarius

Happiness is fleeting, just like the Spanish Armada. 

Capricorn

Sweet, sweet corn.

Aquarius

Robert de Niro is your grandfather.

Pisces

Use a broomstick as a toothpick, enjoy your newfound success.