THIS WEEK HORRORSCOPE

ARIES

Buy cat food for your dog. 

TAURUS

When in doubt, flip a coin and swallow it.

GEMINI

Oats work as great lubricants.

CANCER

The milk of human kindness tastes better through the nose.

LEO

Take seven pens and stick them up your sandwich. 

VIRGO

Don't wait for the bus. Make the bus wait for you.

LIBRA

A barista will claim to be a guardian angel. Disregard him/her. 

SCORPIO

Now is the best time to taste candle wax. 

SAGITTARIUS

Lick your soap. Yes, that's what it feels like. 

CAPRICORN

You are on the righteous path. Carry on.

AQUARIUS

Climb mountains. Downwards.

PISCES

A trampoline can solve more problems than they create.