This Week's Horrorscope

ARIES
Push me to the edge. 

TAURUS
All my friends are bread. 

GEMINI
Ever feel sad that you're just a pawn in the universe's grand scheme? 

CANCER
Are you one of those kids who likes to stay awake at 6 PM? 

LEO
Each one of you has a burrito. Find it. 

VIRGO
Can I not listen to you anymore? 

LIBRA
Now where did I keep that beaver-repellent? 

SCORPIO
I don't know what made you into who you are but okay. 

SAGITTARIUS
I'm not sure how I feel about banana on pizza. 

CAPRICORN
In today's headlines, you have read this sentence. 

AQUARIUS
Trust me when I say, it's going to rain Nutella soon. 

PISCES
The great sea turtle has told me you'll find a 5 taka coin in your kitchen sink.