Not Just a Quitter

Blue Nude, Pablo Picasso.

As a young journalist, working at my first job as a full-fledged writer for the lifestyle section of a well-known English newspaper, I was excited and somewhat nervous when I was sent for my first interview. I was assigned to interview a former child actress, who had portrayed one of the most iconic characters in the history of Bangladeshi television. She greeted us with a wide smile and even before we were seated, she started talking about her new endeavour, a very popular online clothing store. She seemed excited and passionate about her work. She spoke about her past laurels with pride but was definitely more thrilled about her future. By the end of our conversation – which took over an hour – we were exhausted but she still continued talking about her ventures energetically for another half hour.

It thus came as a shock when I learnt that Nayar Amin's body was found in her Gulshan residence last week. She had allegedly taken her life by hanging herself from a ceiling fan. News reports further stated that Amin's married life was not “peaceful”, as her mother claimed that Amin's husband was a drug addict who beat her up on a number of occasions. Her husband was arrested after a police complaint was lodged by Nayar Amin’s family.

A spirited, ambitious, passionate young woman, she became so entangled in the web of depression and mental trauma that in a moment of desperation she decided to put an end to her life. As a society, we have limited patience for people suffering from any kind of mental or psychological illness. We deem suicide as a weakness, as a step taken by cowards, those who don't have the willpower to make the desired changes in their lives. We see depression as a “choice,” we think that with enough determination and steely resolve, a person can overcome the most adverse situations.

Former child actress, Nayar Amin, who became a household name for her portrayal of Tuni in Humayun Ahmed's 'Ei Shob Din Ratri', allegedly committed suicide last week.

“Clinical depression is not just a state of the mind. You can't just will it away or force yourself to get over it,” says Professor Dr Muhammad Kamal Uddin of the Department of Psychology, Dhaka University. “People who constantly grapple with thoughts of death or feel a prolonged sense of negativity and doom that can disrupt their daily activities should definitely seek the help of a therapist,” says Dr Muhammad.

Dr Muhammad further adds that different people have different ways of handling stressful situations. A normal person might feel distressed about a certain thing at a certain point in their life but then they will be able to pick the pieces and move on. A person suffering from depression, however, often suffers from anxiety, lethargy, lasting pessimism, low self worth and willpower. “We should not treat clinical depression as anything lesser than a physical ailment. It affects your mental health and that can't in any way be less significant than your physical health,” says Dr Muhammad.

While depression is a crippling, damaging force that can affect anyone anytime, in our society women are often the salient victims of this ailment. According to a 2010 report published by Shaheed Suhrawardy Medical College Hospital, of the “128.08 per 100,000 people who committed suicide in 2010, 80 percent were women.” Depression is seen in a negative light by most people, the gender of the victim doesn't really matter. But while in our society families, friends and the community are sometimes willing to make an exception for men suffering from depression and are even ready to help them come out of it, women suffering from the ailment are often left to suffer on their own. If a woman talks about feeling down or complains of mental trauma, she is instantly silenced. She is told that as a woman she should have the courage and the “grace” to overlook such small inconveniences. A person can feel depressed for no apparent reason but unfortunately most people do not understand that and thus, when a woman suffers from inexplicable mood swings, blame is immediately put on “those days of the month,” as if to negate her feelings of utter and complete hopelessness as a figment of her imagination.

A former friend had once told me that he doesn't understand how a person can be “instigated to commit suicide.” “Why should a man be punished if a woman decides to end her life? He didn't kill her, so how can we hold him responsible for her death?” he had asked. For those of you who have thought of asking this question at some point of your life, the answer is not as complicated as you think. When a man stalks a girl, passes lewd comments at her, threatens to rape her or kill her family if she doesn't respond to his advances, intimidates her in front of others and warns her to keep all this to herself, thus forcing her to take the drastic step of ending her life, how in the world is he not responsible for her death? Similarly, when a woman is so emotionally and physically battered by her spouse that she can't think of any other way out but to kill herself, why should the “poor” man not be made to stand trial? When a woman burns herself after suffering intense, unimaginable torture in the hands of her husband and in-laws in the name of dowry, why shouldn't they be tried for first degree murder?

According to a report by the National Women's Lawyers Association, 40 girls committed suicide as victims of stalking from 2006 to 2010. The same report states that from 2001 to 2010, 4,747 women were reported to have committed suicide. The Bangladesh Police further reports that in the last seven months of the current year, 6503 suicide cases were recorded, and most of the victims were women between the ages of 15 and 29. According to Dr Muhammad, in Bangladesh young women are more prone to committing suicide out of depression compared to the developed world where the victims are often men or old people. “Families often don't pay attention to the emotional needs of young women. Thus, when a woman feels scared or has suicidal thoughts, she doesn't really have anyone she can turn to. This feeling of abandonment and loneliness often takes a radical turn, forcing patients of clinical depression to have suicidal thoughts,” he adds.

Dr Muhammad believes that the family and friends of a patient suffering from depression and suicide can be a solid, cohesive force, as they can play an important role in his or her recovery. “You first need to understand that depression is a disorder but it is definitely treatable. However, do not underestimate the seriousness of the condition. Be empathetic and express your concern but don't be overbearing or condescending. Ask questions about their feelings and how you can best support them. Make them believe that they are not alone in this and that you will always be there for them. Your support can mean the world to people suffering from this disorder.” He further adds that some of the symptoms that near and dear ones can look out for in patients suffering from depression and suicidal thoughts are feelings of despair and loneliness, drug or alcohol abuse, complains of feeling tired all the time and unreasonable mood swings. “People who suffer from depression and suicidal thoughts often talk about death, they may eat more or less than usual and you'll see a sudden, drastic change in their weight. Also, if you see that a person who suddenly seems to have regained their energy and positive outlook, you cannot let your guard down, as that may be temporary.”  

Upon hearing of Nayar Amin's death, many people commented on her “selfishness” and her “cowardice,” uncharitably and thoughtlessly stating that she couldn't have loved her daughters enough to continue living for their sake. During my interview with Amin, she spoke lovingly of her children, saying how she named her new store after her younger daughter. She didn't seem like a person who didn't care about her family, her children or her life. She seemed full of zeal and energy. Why is it so difficult to question why a person who had such potential and promise would give up on their life? How agonising, how painful must it have been for her and for thousands like her to submit to the point of no return. While we argue about the moral and ethical grounds against suicide, we fail to look at the reasons that compel people to take such a drastic step. We choose to ignore the fact that the “strong” women of our lives, the anchoring force of the family are suffering from any “mental health crisis,” and thus, we sadly fail to help them overcome their struggles, and instead just push them towards their demise.