THIS WEEK'S HOROSCOPE

ARIES
You will make friends with a man with an implausibly thin neck.

TAURUS
A leprechaun will invite you to share the pot of gold hidden somewhere inside his van.

GEMINI
How close is too close when it comes to family?

CENCER
If you know how to dance, why not teach the nearest traffic policeman near you?

LEO
This week you will campaign for legalised and regulated hunting of big cats in Africa.

VIRGO
Take several hugs and kisses from us this week. No. We insist. No, bad Virgo!

LIBRA
You will feel a sudden, irrepressible urge to smooch a duck on its left flipper.

SCORPIO
OH MY GOD THE BLOOD

SAGITTARIUS
You will lose your hand in a stapling accident but replace them with something better. Something… glassier.

CAPRICON
You just can't win with some people. Give up and move on, you'll feel better.

AQUARIUS
Several people will unfollow you on social media.

PISCES
You should give that guy who was rude to you a pisces of your mind.