THIS WEEK'S HOROSCOPE

ARIES
Nice neck. Where'd you buy it?

TAURUS
They say the sum of your life will add up to the total of the value of the things you have done.

GEMINI
Trust no one, not even someone exactly like you.

CENCER
Confess to that thing you did in Kindergarten that no one ever managed to connect with you at the time.

LEO
You will feel unusually musical this weekend and shall purchase a banjolele.

VIRGO
Avoid those who approach you in bad faith and with sharpened knives and a bottle of ketchup.

LIBRA
Your neighbours will be arrested for their involvement in the smuggling of Salman Rushdie novels.

SCORPIO
Don't bother, it's not going to work.

SAGITTARIUS
Your excuses for not showering are becoming increasingly stale.

CAPRICON
A red balloon will haunt you in your dreams every night this week. It is totally meaningless.

AQUARIUS
It was a good run, but it's time to shave off that Pokeball design on your left leg hair.

PISCES
This week you will pick up the pisces and put them back together.