THIS WEEK'S HOROSCOPE

ARIES
Tonight you will be visited by the spirit of indecisiveness. Maybe.

TAURUS
Your go-to answer to anyone who asks about your grades should be "ayyy lmao"

GEMINI
Your friends will confront you about your Hannah Montana addiction. Too bad they can't catch the both of you.

CENCER
Someone will recharge your phone's balance by mistake. You should thank them.

LEO
You'll recharge someone's phone balance by mistake. They should thank you.

VIRGO
Cancer and Leo make a cute couple. You'll be alone forever.

LIBRA
Every time you listen to Coldplay, a child in Puran Dhaka starts a rap career.

SCORPIO
Guns don't kill people, your terrible game sense kills people. Git gud.

SAGITTARIUS
Lag.

CAPRICON
Would you rather eat a goat-sized fish or a fish-sized goat?

AQUARIUS
If a hipster falls in a forest and no one is around, does anybody even hear it?

PISCES
This week you shall be as relevant as Bono thinks he is right now.