The Crazy Side-Effects of Intense Diets

(NOT) THE BIGGEST LOSER

You have some weight, therefore you must lose it. The goal is to be weightless, like a beautiful feather. After you're done, gravity should have nothing on you. It's vital that you drop whatever you're eating, even if it is “healthy”, and diet. To the uninitiated, dieting could just mean eating clean; but if you really want to lose 10 kilos in 10 days, well, I'm afraid that just won't do, honey. 

To begin with intense diets, you must loathe every ounce of your being. You have to despise the way your body looks (even if it doesn't look that bad). As revenge you have to be cruel to it. What better way than to starve it? Getting the anorexic tag, though, will just make you look like a joke, the sufferer of a laughable disease. So, you have to look up the most torturous concoctions of juice cleanses, and starve yourself in style. After all, what is life without style?

It's easy to eat not anything for a day, to “forget” to eat the next. It gets tougher when you have to do it week in and week out. You have to tell yourself, it's actually good for you. Even when all your biology books tend to disagree with you completely. As if the textbooks know better than that model on that magazine that day. The hunger pangs and the cramps, all worth it when you fit into that dress you saw on those beautiful skinny models. You start to think, at this rate, you could do one better; you could possibly drop another dress size (yes, even if you are a size zero already). 

When someone asks you whether you want lunch because you look “tired”, you will have the marvelous excuse of saying “I'm dieting,” with a molar to molar grin. When you go on fainting spells because your body can't function, simply assume it's just some pesky virus that has a knack for knocking you out. When you run your hand through your head and see enough hair falling out to make a wig, do you blame your amazing diet for not portioning enough food, or any food at all, to maintain your long luscious hair? Nah, that can't be it. Better yet, think of it as a few extra grams lost. 

God forbid, but cave into one little desire, a fraction of a small Energy Plus biscuit maybe, and you are done for. You have to punish yourself by standing in front of the mirror and scrutinising every single flaw in your fat flabby body. To atone for the grave sin, you have to make sure you miss your daily three meals (read: celery sticks).

It takes time though, to see the results because    your stupid body goes into survival mode and tries to store all the nutrients you let into your body to make sure you don't die. Sometimes it's really hard to sympathise with your body. Why body, why? Why survive at all if it means to survive fat? So stay on it. Stay Skinny. And may the force be with you in your goal of going from a 3-D object to a 2-D one.