THE BURDEN OF MASCULINITY

Photo: Darshan Chakma

I can imagine people rolling their eyes thinking, “What burden?”, and disposing this article as a feminist rant on males being more privileged, but I assure you that it's not. In a pre-dominantly patriarchal society like ours, the idea that the men and boys face any problems is an almost inconceivable notion. While attaining a perspective on what it's like to be a male here, I realised that most guys were either in the dark or in denial about the social injustices committed against them. All labels have some deadweight, but why is the masculine label accepted without much complaint?

THE MANLY MAN
We all have a basic idea of masculinity, the term usually being synonymous to “manliness” and always contrasted against “femininity”. A “masculine” man is therefore labelled with terms such as “macho”, “strong”, “virile”, “strong-hearted”, etc.  

There are parameters that guide what makes a guy a “masculine” man. A man is meant to be tall, strong, aggressive and unemotional. He's also meant to have a serious outlook towards life, focus on success and earn a substantial amount as the default bread-winner of the family.  Masculinity also rigidly focuses on heterosexuality. Throw in chivalry, his ability to provide for and protect the women in his life and fend for his whole family -- you have the ideal, powerful man.

The contemporary idea of a manly man has added distortions to the image: fairness of the skin for success, smelling nice, having hair that has the “manly man feel”. While some parameters are fluid, most remain absolutely rigid.

THE BURDEN
Think of all the things a guy is expected to do. Masculinity is a public performance -- it requires a demonstration of power, leaving a gap between an individual's nature and society's expectations of him.

Think of the slurs, such as “loser” or “wimp”, thrown at emotional or physically weak men. Think of how guys are generally expected to be athletic, or at least to be interested in sports. Think of the way society perceives a man who is less successful than his female partner. Think of society's reactions to anyone who doesn't fit the description. Think of how a stay-at-home father is seen. Think of how people are always surprised to hear a guy say that he likes cooking. Think of how a father is rarely represented in advertisements of infant products.
There are also other angles to this that are taken for granted, such as having to be taller than your significant other, or how people say it's not a date unless the guy is paying for it. “As a guy there is a constant pressure to outdo our female peers. Statements like 'she scored more than you and she is a girl' were common while I was growing up,” says Shafqat Shahadat Choudhury, 20, an undergraduate student of Economics at BRAC University.

There are professions that are entirely condemned by the requirements of this label. For example, male dancers are often looked down upon because dancing requires grace, which is seen as a feminine characteristic, and sometimes they're also required to wear makeup. In fact, people generally have a negative outlook towards men in creative fields; corporate, medical and other traditionally accepted professions are always given more importance.
The psychological pressure that this puts on a male is rarely recognized and it appropriates the practice of many social injustices. Abid Ul Haque (20), another student of Economics, spoke up about how it works: “Guys are almost always expected to grow up and get corporate jobs, or at least one that is 'respectable'. My point here is it's less acceptable for a guy to want to be a writer, or be involved in the arts.  It's almost thrust upon us that we have to earn enough to support our families, and we all reach a certain age where we have to push aside everything else and focus solely on working towards that. This feeling is always there at the back of our heads, and acts as a burden at times.”

Photo: Darshan Chakma

THE IMPACT ON SOCIETY
The “masculine” label leads to several consequential problems, and subordination of women is just one of them. When we blame men for seeing women as weak or incapable, we forget about how the label has been hammered into their heads for years. As Farisha Khan, 20, a student of law at School of Oriental and African Studies, London put it, “As a girl, I can say that I've seen Bangladeshi boys who somehow can't seem to be okay with the fact that I'm so career-oriented. I think that by labelling themselves as the bread-earners, these men put women in boxes too.” The demonstration of power that plays a huge part in domestic violence, rape and misogyny is a result of having to stick to labels as well. When anything becomes a question of a man's “masculinity”, the need to prove otherwise can take very adverse turns. The label also silences the male victims of sexual assault and abusive relationships.

Men-on-men discrimination isn't uncommon either. Any deviation from heteronormative ideals is met with strong reactions in a country with a conservative majority. When heterosexuality is seen as the normative, deviation becomes a question about the masculinity of the peers. Whether intended or not, jokes about sexuality and the size of the male private part have become a regular part of our conversations.

The need to be approved by the parameters of a label creates peer pressure to perform. Many guys will admit that they picked up smoking because everyone else around them was doing it. Peer pressure plays a large part in how boys act while growing up and also in how they act when they're older. It's also not just peers. Starting from family to educational institutions, pressure comes from all aspects of society.

Confinement to a rigid label not only creates disparity between and within genders, but also leads to the loss of platforms to speak out about these injustices. As Ishrat Jahan, 20, said, “'Being a man' is something the society badgers into men from childhood. Gender roles trickle into everything, and that involves careers as well. I've seen examples of young boys breaking under the pressure of living in these gender boxes. You know, the fact that they call it a 'man's world' doesn't make it any easier. Men are not free from being stigmatised and pushed and pulled to fit their destined roles.” Whether we want to accept it or not, gender issues really are men's issues too.