The unspoken burden of being the head of the family

It sounds more like a melodramatic dialogue from some retro Bengali movie. However, whether we acknowledge it or not, in every family, there is one person who is the proverbial ‘head’. And while that title has been used and misused in fiction and movies, what is rarely acknowledged is the story from their side.

Responsibility defines you

The title — head of the family — is a neat little wrapper that delivers responsibilities to you. Many people take the mantle at an earlier age; others get the luxury of waiting till their 30s or 40s.

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Irrespective of the age, it is the bearing of responsibilities that makes you the head. Once you take the role, your whole world changes. Your dreams and goals change, your perspective changes, your priorities change, and most importantly, your identity changes.

“Just a few years back, when I was a student, I could think in solo terms. ‘I’ want to do this, ‘I’ want to go there. But now, that chapter is closed. It’s no longer just me. My family depends on me, so whatever decision I make, I have to think about them for everything,” said Saikat Barua, a young professional.

When we were younger, we used to see our fathers as the head of the family. He was this powerful person who could make the decisions. Everyone would ask him for advice. And the biggest fish head would always be saved for him, even after he had repeatedly said that he did not enjoy that particular piece.

It seemed like a very powerful place in the family. We all wanted to be the “head of the family”. Now looking back, it seems less glamorous.

“Sometimes I wonder if I am doing an acceptable job at all? What will my children think of me when they grow up? There are a lot of things to take care of. A lot more than I can count and a lot more than I can manage. And there are times when I really think I could use some advice from someone who has been in my place,” sighed Musfiq Fuad, who has two children and an extended family to look after.

“At those times, I miss my late father because while the rest of my family loves me, they have not been in these shoes. I think my father could tell me what to do,” he added, observing that sometimes the pressure can get to a person.

And what’s interesting is that he still does not loathe his role or the pressure. He welcomes it, saying that family will always be family.

“It’s not a burden in the proper sense of the word, but it is a conscious psychological pressure in the back of your mind that just does not go away. I try not to think about it too much; instead, I do my best and keep my faith”, he explained, adding that the pressure can be overwhelming at times, but keeping his faith in the Almighty helps him through it.

Who saves the saviour?

Everyone turns to the head of the family, but whom does he turn to? Or she, for that matter? Because it is even harder to be a woman and lead a family. Our society still does not look kindly towards them and often puts some sort of label on them, making their job harder as if the title itself is not heavy enough.

Everyone describes their own way of coping with the title because it is a title that comes with a heavy crown. And it comes with not just responsibilities but other ‘not so great’ feelings such as guilt and blame. Sometimes it seems like no matter how hard you try, it makes no difference, and despite all your efforts and sacrifices, you will be blamed for “not doing enough”.

Which brings us to how the people in this role cope. Apparently, the secret is patience. And it grows with experience. So does your respect for your parents as you realise they had to do it during a harder and more unforgiving time.

Sure, in many families, the title is not as prevalent as in others, but the title still exists in most families in our country. And as a new generation emerges, younger people are taking on responsibilities. If you are playing the role, do not blame yourself. You are doing the best you can, and we are rooting for you.