A self-help guide that is actually helpful

Feeling anxious is awesome! Especially when life hits you with that premium, high-definition version, the cinematic kind. One minute you’re alright, the next your heart is taking a parkour course, your brain is trying to compute the number “hundred trillion” and the worst void forms in your chest – one that makes all known galactic horrors seem saintly.

Nothing is technically wrong. Your nervous system is just acting as if the weight of fixing the economy rests entirely on your shoulders, and it must be done before dinner.

This also serves as an amazing opportunity to dive headfirst into the overwhelming self-help rabbit hole: a genre of media specifically designed to make you aware of 47 new things you’re apparently doing wrong.

You could try cold showers, or you could make a series of questionable choices, as cold showers have yet to solve inflation. Experts recommend deep breaths and other shallow grounding techniques. However, have you considered giving yourself a life-altering haircut with kitchen scissors at 2 AM instead?

Well then, here is a helpful guide on how to get through such hard times.

Make an important life decision

An anxious mind is an efficient mind. There is no better time to make irreversible life choices than when your nervous system is phasing through your flesh. Switch majors. Reconsider your entire financial future. Invest in something you barely understand. If you still can’t decide on what to do next, simply panic harder.

Keep up with the Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists

Check how close humanity is to symbolic annihilation this week. The Doomsday Clock is famous for its calming nature. Is it 90 seconds to midnight? 89? Oh, wait, they have updated it to be a staggering 85 this year. Refresh regularly because this is self-care. Following a Cold War-era journal created by nuclear physicists to warn humanity about its own extinction is exactly what you need right now.

Get really into geopolitics

Nothing soothes our nerves like realising how interconnected and fragile the world is. Learn about regional disputes you cannot influence and watch three hours of analysis on conflicts you previously could not locate on a map. Develop strong opinions overnight, then feel personally responsible. And finally, spiral into a feeling of helplessness that will follow you your entire life.

Run a virus check on your computer

Running a virus scan can do wonders for regulating your cortisol levels. Personally, I felt very safe and not at all paranoid after I ran a scan and found 50 Trojan viruses. Whatever you discover once the scan is done will gently reassure you of this: A friendly fellow somewhere else does indeed have access to all your personal information.

Start fighting strangers on the internet

Find a niche subreddit with a dedicated community. Correct someone. Let it escalate. Defend a point that you didn’t even believe five minutes ago. Feel your heart rate rise for reasons that truly matter. Learn nothing. Leave angrier than before. Experience the healing properties of such a strain because every smart individual would label this growth.

Learn about entropy, astrophysics, and nihilism

When personal problems feel overwhelming, zoom out. Study how everything trends toward disorder and how the universe will eventually experience heat death. Enjoy learning that we are smaller than specks of dust in the vast face of the universe. Your inbox will seem adorably small in comparison. Take this as a chance to indulge in the philosophy that claims nothing matters and all systems of meaning are manmade or provisional. Read Nietzsche while you’re at it, and accidentally fall into a pipeline that will dictate your world-view for far too long.

Cut or dye your hair

A universally loved classic, and a special recommendation from someone suffering from chronic DIY-ed bad haircuts. Nothing screams emotional stability like blunt scissors, bad lighting, and a will at the dead of the night. A few snips here and there, maybe even add a bit of razzle-dazzle by dyeing it neon. This isn’t impulse, it’s a bold statement that lets the world know you’re in control.